


Final Frontier

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, First Times, M/M, Romance, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-05-03
Updated: 1999-05-03
Packaged: 2017-12-11 03:24:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 42,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/793474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A angsty "first-time" story in more than one sense.  Read no further if you're under eighteen, bothered by camping, fishing or wild m/m sex in the wilderness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Due to length, this story has been split into three parts.

## Final Frontier

Rainy Day

Author's homepage: <http://members.aol.com/rainy1666/page/index.htm>

Rating: NC-17 

Pairings: J/B 

Warnings: Graphic m/m sexual depictions. 

Notes: Many thanks to Tex for her extraordinary insight, everlasting patience, and the best beta fine-tuning in Texas. You're the bee's knees, girl! Virtual roses to Maeg for not letting me get away with _anything_. Awesome beta job, kiddo! A special nod to Paulette for suggesting aspects of Blair's sexual history. All hail the majesty of my marvelous beta-readers! For the sake of argument, readers may assume that STDs do not exist in this universe. This is fiction. In reality, _always_ use condoms. Only one very slight spoiler, in that there is a reference to Blair's relationship with Maya from the episode "Love and Guns." Be advised that the Blair in this tale is, at age twenty-seven, somewhat younger than the Blair in canon. You may look upon this tale, then, as something of a _Sentinel_ AU that takes place sometime after "Warriors," but _before_ the events in "Nightshift" and "Sentinel Too." 

Disclaimer: _The Sentinel_ , its characters, concepts and history belong to UPN and Pet Fly Productions. This is a non-profit work of fan-fiction, created solely for the private enjoyment of _Sentinel_ fans. This story may not be sold, published, publicly displayed or archived without express permission from the author. 

* * *

Final Frontier - part one  
By Rainy Day 

Take it. Go on. Take it, you slimy little. Yes! Aloud, Jim whooped with triumph as he gave his fishing rod a yank to snag his prey. 

Perched atop a large rock at the end of the river's natural jetty, Blair stood poised with his Cree spear, looking not unlike a young Cree warrior himself, as he contemplated the moving water before him. Wearing only tattered denim shorts and a cut-off tee, he moved not a whit, not even flinching as the chilly water crested over the rock, splashing his bare feet and ankles. Only his eyes moved, belying his partner's one-time claim that Blair could not keep still if his life depended on it. But at Jim's cry Blair turned and, seeing the bucking fish arc out of the water in its fight to free itself, let out a war-cry of his own. 

"Whoo-hoo! Get 'em, Jim!" 

"Sandburg! Bring me that net!" 

Deserting his post at last, Blair leapt from the rock and made his way through the thigh-deep water toward his partner, who was now deeply immersed in his battle against a fiercely struggling five-pound trout. As he sloshed to his friend's side, Blair yanked the lightweight net free from a belt-loop on his shorts and held it at the ready. Jim reeled like mad, ignoring the water splashing into the tops of his thigh-high rubber boots, while Blair shouted encouragements and their would-be dinner drew closer and closer to shore. 

"That's it! You got 'em, Jim! Don't lose him, man!!" 

Jim struggled with his rod for several long moments, then with a final mighty heave, he reeled in the battling trout. It was twisting and fighting violently, but just as it managed to squirm off the hook, Blair got the net beneath it. 

"Yeah!" Jim shouted, "What a team!" and the two men high-fived each other victoriously. 

"All right!" Blair chortled. "I have a great recipe for trout! It'll melt in your mouth!" 

"Can't wait!" Jim agreed, licking his lips at the prospect and, as Blair held up the prize for his partner's triumphant edification, he proceeded to do a victory dance right there in the water. Had he been holding a football, Jim would have looked right at home on the goal-line of any end-zone. Blair laughed delightedly at his friend's antics. It was so rare for Jim to let loose like this. He was glad he'd allowed his friend to talk him into the getaway weekend. It was the break they'd both needed. 

Taking the net from Blair at last, Jim raised it to eye level so he could properly taunt the pitifully suffocating creature. "You thought you had me, didn't you?" Jim berated his weakening captive. "Now you know better! Teach you to mess with an Ellison!" 

Blair smiled and shook his head as he watched his partner deride his innocent captive. He didn't even mind when Jim presented him with the fish saying, "I caught it, you clean it!" 

"Why me?" Blair felt a token protest was in order, whether he minded cleaning the fish or not. 

" 'Cause all you've done for the last two hours is stand on that rock waving your spear while the fish laughed." 

"I'll have you know Cree spear-fishing is an _art_ ," Blair informed his companion as they gathered their tackle. "It's like the difference between hunting deer with a bow and arrow, or just blasting Bambi with a shotgun. Cree fishing is a _real_ man's sport. It's not easy standing still that long, believe me! See, Cree fisherman believed that the waiting was half the challenge. It's kind of a rite-of-passage, but also a meditation. It builds character! I feel different already!" 

"Character, huh?" Jim laughed as they made their way back to camp with the catch of the day. 

"What, you don't think I have character?" 

"Just because you _are_ a character, doesn't mean you _have_ character." 

Despite Jim's teasing tone, Blair felt it was high-time to be insulted. "That's right, dump on the little guy. But let's not forget who's making dinner. So unless you wanna fend for yourself, I suggest you stop taking me for granted!" 

"'Taking you for granted'? Now you sound like my ex-wife." 

"Yeah, well, maybe she had a point, man." 

"Don't get all bent out of shape, Sandburg. I was just kidding. You know I respect you." 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah," Jim cuffed him playfully on the side of the head. "Now get cookin', Skippy. I'm starving." 

Blair made short work of the fish, filleting it with practiced ease, and he soon had it soaking in a make-shift marinade. Because the trout needed at least two hours to properly absorb the spices (no amount of cajoling would sway Blair on this issue, as Jim quickly discovered), the partners decided it was the perfect time to hit the lake for a swim. 

Securing the various bottles Jim called his "potions," Blair slipped into the tent and donned his swimming trunks. Jim was already outfitted for the water by the time his partner joined him, and he preceded Blair down the path, recounting his battle with the trout all the while. As he moved, the muscles across his broad back rippled and bunched and, trying valiantly to keep his eyes to himself, Blair followed in his partner's footsteps as they approached the lake. 

The day was warm and the sun glinted appealingly off the aqua-blue surface of the chilly lake. It had been created from the run-off produced by a stream, but it was deep and wide enough to be considered a body of water in its own right. Surrounded by evergreens and fringed with shrubs and sandy stone, the area was as quietly charming as it was remote. They'd had to hike a considerable distance through the heavily wooded state forest to reach the alluring spot, but because it was so far off the beaten path it was rarely, if ever, visited by campers, hikers, rangers or, for that matter, forestry officials of any kind. It was a secluded wonder--a hidden treasure in the heart of the wilderness. 

Blair had loved it immediately. And though he had known Jim for going on three years, the big cop had never before brought him here, nor even mentioned the existence of the private getaway retreat. Fleetingly, Blair wondered if Jim ever brought women here, but he kicked that door closed immediately. Jealousy was pointless. The important thing was that Jim had chosen to share his secret fishing spot with Blair. And for Blair's purposes, it was perfect. Now if he only knew how to actually go about _doing_ what he'd decided it was the right time to do! 

"Geronimo!" Blair shouted and he leapt from a boulder cannon-ball style, liberally dousing Jim who had been edging forth into the water in an attempt to get used to the low temperature by slow degrees. With a growl, Jim threw himself into the water and took off after his laughing partner, who responded by again splashing Jim for all he was worth. Catching up to his laughing Guide at last, Jim gave him the dunking of a lifetime, pulling his struggling partner to the surface of the waist-deep water only when his heart began to pound, signaling he was nearing a dangerous point of oxygen depletion. 

"Oh, man!" Blair sputtered as he coughed up lake water, "That was _so_ harsh!" 

"What's the matter, Chief? You can dish it out but you can't take it?" 

"Take _this_ , tough guy!" And Blair launched himself at Jim, grasping his partner in what promised to be an excellent "dunking-hold," but at the last moment he slipped on a slimy underwater rock. Jim used his distraction to twist in Blair's grasp and as he struggled with his squirming partner, who still seemed hell-bent upon dunking him in retaliation, the larger man swiftly grabbed the wrists of the smaller, threw his arms around the struggling body and pinned Blair's hands behind him. This had the result of putting both men chest to chest, with Jim's arms around Blair, whose hands were tightly secured behind his waist by Jim's superior strength. 

"Gotcha now, Chief!" Jim crowed triumphantly. Blair struggled for a moment longer, then, acknowledging defeat by superior forces, ceased all at once and decided to change his tack altogether. 

"Yeah? Well, now that you've got me, big man, what are ya gonna do with me?" Blair asked coquettishly, batting his eyelashes with comical exaggeration. 

He'd expected Jim to laugh, or at least cuff him on the side of the head. But Jim did neither. Instead, his triumphant smile slowly faded, leaving Jim looking seriously, if with marked trepidation, into Blair's eyes. 

Their heads were only inches apart and Blair watched with a pounding heart as Jim slowly focused on his lips. Despite the caution on the big man's face, Blair could clearly distinguish the dominating emotion flitting across his features: Longing. For a moment, Blair was certain Jim was going to kiss him and it was all he could do to keep from letting go with a whoop of glee. As quickly as the moment came, however, it passed. 

As if realizing that in his surprise over Blair's flirtatious query he'd allowed his true emotions to show, Jim quickly masked his feelings and schooled his expression, his face taking on his long-ago learned emotionally distant countenance. Abruptly, the Sentinel released him, turned pointedly and began swimming as fast as his well-muscled body could carry him toward shore. 

"Jim?" Blair called, but it was too late. The older man was already pulling himself from the lake. Wrapping his towel around his waist without ceremony, the Sentinel headed off down the path without looking back. 

Damn! Blair inwardly cursed, faulting his own impulsive nature. He hadn't meant to scare Jim away like that. He'd thought his comical approach to be non-threatening and his timing, right on the money. 

For a long while now, Blair had been getting signals--albeit somewhat mixed signals--but he'd been sure the meaning behind them was what he'd taken it to be. Could he have misinterpreted the message? Or could it have been all in his head from the get-go? Just wishful thinking? 

Blair shook his head. No. The look on Jim's face--before the fear had surfaced--had been perfectly clear. So where was the fear coming from? Was it simply fear of the male/male dynamic? A fear of how others might react, perhaps? Or even how Blair would react to advances made by a male friend? Could it be a fear drilled into Jim by his father or the Army? 

It could be that Jim _did_ desire him, but only physically. He might simply be opposed to a relationship and feared hurting his Guide's feelings or driving him away with an inevitable rejection. Or, more plausibly considering the kind of man Jim was, he might be genuinely disgusted by the notion of intimacy with a male, and any signals he broadcast to the contrary, simply a side-effect of the Sentinel/Guide bond. If that was the case, Jim might come to resent Blair for stirring up unwanted desire within him. And such resentment had the potential to destroy all they had built together. 

Blair had wanted this for such a long time, and he'd been so certain that his feelings were reciprocated that he'd gambled everything. But if he'd been wrong about the older man's feelings, what would happen now? Would Jim be angry? Would he throw Blair out of the loft? 

No. This is Jim Ellison we're talking about, Blair told himself. Stoic (beautiful), repressed (God-like), Jim Ellison. More than likely he would simply pretend the entire incident hadn't taken place. Now _that_ was Jim. Repress, ignore, sublimate. If only he could get Jim to talk about it. If Jim truly didn't want him, Blair needed to hear it. Only then would be believe he was alone in suffering these yearnings of the heart. 

Blair treaded water a moment longer, then with a resigned sigh he began slowly paddling back to shore. He would find a way to get Jim to open up to him, Blair decided. He had to. He couldn't go on like this. The feelings had become so strong he could no longer ignore them. He knew what he wanted to happen this weekend. It was time. Of that he was sure. If only he knew what Jim was thinking! 

One way or another he _would_ get Jim talking, Blair vowed as he climbed to shore and retrieved his towel. After dinner. Yes! The way to a Sentinel's heart was through his stomach. After dinner he would get Jim talking if it killed him. 

* * *

Jim got back to camp as quickly as possible and, after drying himself insufficiently for his liking, entered the tent without preamble, intent upon dressing before Blair returned. As he pulled his clothes from his pack with stiff, mechanical movements, he fought futilely to put the incident at the lake out of his mind. 

It was just so damn confusing when Blair flirted with him. But then, Blair flirted with everyone. It was just his way. Jim sighed wearily, pulling off his trunks and slipping into a pair of warm, flannel boxers. If only things were different. If only they could bebut, no. Things were the way they were and there wasn't a damn thing Jim could do to change them. More than that, he didn't _want_ to change them--to change Blair, that was. If Blair behaved differently, he just wouldn't be Blair anymore. Blair was spontaneous, irrepressible, precocious. And that was just how Jim wanted him. It was just how he was meant to be. Just how Jim had fallen in love with him. 

The idea of loving his cherished partner was not new to him, but thus far, Jim had never moved beyond the "wishful thinking" phase of fantasy. A little reality was a dangerous thing. Should the fantasy ever become real, who could say how the change would affect their friendship? Their working relationship? Their Sentinel/Guide bond? 

Jim shook his head. These were all serious issues to be sure--genuine concerns--but they weren't what really scared him. They weren't what had kept him from seeking intimacy from his roommate for so very long. For what really frightened Jim was Blair's behavior in relationships. Since the day he'd met the man, his Guide had moved from one fling to another as if commitment were an alien concept. 

Should they actually become lovers, Jim had no doubt Blair would be serious about the relationship at the onset. He always was. But in short order the man would become bored, or restless, or both. He would move on as he always did, easily putting the past behind him. Then Blair would return to his usual ways--to the ways that made him "Blair." 

He had every part of Blair that mattered. The physical aspect wasn't so important--not really. That was just sex, after all. Lust, Jim could deal with. But his desire for Blair wasn't really lust--well, it wasn't _only_ lust, Jim amended. He had struggled with this for far too long to fool himself into believing that the reason he denied himself had anything to do with sex. At first, when the dreams had haunted his sleep and he would wake with his hand wrapped around his cock and Blair's name on his lips, he had convinced himself that that was all it was. 

That had been hard enough to deal with, as he'd never had such thoughts about a man before. But soon after his dream images would come to him at the most inopportune of moments; like watching his roommate across the breakfast table, or with Blair sitting beside him at his desk in Major Crimes--so close he could smell the younger man's shampoo, his musk, his essence. Jim had more erections in the few months he'd suffered the dreams than in his entire adolescence. He'd actually taken to wearing long shirts, untucked, to hide his arousal. 

Unconsciously, he'd begun touching Blair even more than he had before. Any excuse would do to touch his friend's hair, to get into his personal space, or to lean over his partner and inhale his scent. But it wasn't until he'd taken to eavesdropping that Jim began to admit to himself there was more to it than sex. 

He'd find himself listening jealously to Blair's phone conversations with women, watching him flirt at the station and, worst of all, listening in when Blair would masturbate. Blair only did that in the shower, perhaps thinking that Jim wouldn't be able to tell in the "soap and water" atmosphere. And in truth, he probably wouldn't--unless he'd been looking for it. Unless he'd been listening in. 

Stop it! Jim derided himself. This doesn't help! Get your mind out of the gutter and be honest with yourself for once! Taking a deep breath, Jim allowed the truth to surface for the first time. 

Yes--Blair could hop from one bed to another with ease, but Jim couldn't do that. If he allowed himself to begin something with Blair, Jim admitted, he was sure he wouldn't survive it when the relationship went bad. And go bad it would, if Blair's track record was any indication of the probability of it succeeding. Jim just didn't have enough heart left, after Carolyn, to lose any more of it. It would destroy him. He felt it. He knew it. 

He couldn't risk that. He wouldn't. 

Jim could still recall what he'd felt when his marriage had gone to hell. The moment Carolyn had finally walked out, never to return, had been the most painful and crushing of his life; a devastating blow to his soul and ego. He'd almost not been able to get over it. He'd wanted it to work. He really had. But he'd found himself sabotaging his own efforts at every turn. 

When she got closer, he would pull away. When she wanted to discuss the future, he would focus only on the present. But what was most bizarre was that he'd known, at the time, that he was undermining his own desire to form a deeper bond. He'd known it, but had been unable to stop himself. Perhaps, unconsciously, he'd been waiting for her to call him on it. To put him up against a wall and tell him he wasn't going to get away with it. That they were going to make it work no matter what. Perhaps he'd been waiting for _her_ to prove her love. 

Jim gave himself a shake. Dwelling on his past failures wouldn't help. In truth, he had no idea why he and Carolyn were able to get close only after the marriage had ended. Perhaps it was because he'd been waiting for Blair to come along? Could it be that Jim simply couldn't have the kind of relationship he needed with a woman? No! He wouldn't let himself think about that. He simply couldn't afford to put his relationship with Blair at such risk. 

Had he been asked yesterday, Jim would have said that he had no intention of becoming just another notch on the Sandburg bedpost of life--that their friendship was too important to screw up by dragging sex into it. But thanks to Blair's behavior at the lake, Jim found himself contemplating the issue all over again. 

Feeling his resolve weakening, Jim bit the inside of his cheek until he drew blood. Turning up his pain dial, he let the exquisite agony ground him as he chanted to himself, No, no, no! He had the dial locked so high that his brief moment suffering the small wound felt like an eternity of agony. But when he released himself from the pain at last, he found his decision had been made. It was, of course, the only decision possible, but he felt better for having made it nonetheless, and he allowed himself a sigh of resigned relief. 

No, he would not cave now. His relationship with Blair was too important. It was, in fact, the single most important relationship of his life. More important, even, than his marriage had been. The bond they had forged over three long years wouldn't go the way of Blair's many failed love affairs--not if Jim Ellison had anything to say about it, and he did. He had to be strong. For both of them. 

Secure in the "rightness" of his decision, Jim pushed his feelings down into the secret place they belonged and exited the tent just in time to see Blair coming up the path. Jim summoned up a well-rehearsed smile for his friend and even managed a half-hearted wave as he set about stringing up a clothes-line to dry their towels and swimsuits. 

He would be strong for Blair. 

* * *

Dinner was an excruciatingly quiet affair, at least on Jim's part. Blair, on the other hand, kept up a running babble on all manner of subjects during the fish fry. While Jim usually enjoyed listening to his friend ramble, he found it unusually difficult to pay attention, for his thoughts continually, and much to his dismay, returned to the incident at the lake. Jim was fairly certain he'd been nodding in the proper places, however, as his partner didn't seem to notice his preoccupation. 

As dinner was consumed before the fire, Jim made a point of making sufficient "mmm" noises and, just for good measure, he offered up several compliments on the marinated trout, which was, after all, surprisingly good. It was just spicy enough to satisfy him, but not enough to cause his senses to act up. During their association, Jim marveled, Blair had made cooking for a Sentinel into an art form. 

After a quick clean-up, Blair joined Jim on his log by the fire and presented him with a stick. Jim took it without thinking, but when he realized what he held was a long, thin branch with the bark scraped off, he turned to his roommate speculatively. He was just about to raise a questioning eyebrow at the unusual offering when he smelled them. 

Blair was prattling on about camping and the roots of it in Western male bonding rituals, when Jim could take it no more. 

"Alright, Sandburg, where are they?" 

Blair paused in his allocution, raised his eyebrows innocently, then with a wicked grin, pulled the bag of fluffy, white marshmallows from behind his back with a flourish. Jim made a grab for them, but his Guide was too quick. Hopping off the log, Blair stood beside the fire, holding the innocent bag of marshmallows hostage. Jim watched with horror as his Guide dangled the bag with two fingers just above the nipping flames. 

"Uh, uh! You're not getting _any_ marshmallows unless you agree to talk to me! Come on, man. Talk and marshmallows go together!" At Jim's 'No one bribes _me_ ' frown, Blair sighed, eighty-sixed the extortion tactic--at least verbally--and said honestly, "Come on, Jim. We're both adults. Let's clear the air." 

Jim thought this over as he eyed the marshmallows hungrily. The bag was beginning to scorch. His Guide certainly knew his weaknesses. Jim would do damn near anything for fresh, open-fire roasted marshmallows on a stick and Blair knew it. Some people had chocolate fetishes. Ice cream did it for others. For Jim, it was marshmallows or nothing. 

"Okay, Darwin. You talk, I'll roast." This seemed to satisfy his partner, for he made no attempt to get away with the sweets as Jim made an all or nothing lunge for the clear plastic bag and found it surrendered to him, not the flames. 

"Okay, that sounds fair," Blair agreed, and Jim was presented with a second stick. He took it gratefully, for this meant he would not have to suffer the smell of Blair's famous flaming marshmallow treats. 

Carefully positioning the marshmallows on the sticks so they would be in no danger of dropping off during the roasting process, Jim held them the proper distance from the fire to brown the outer skins without the risk of accidental incineration. Blair rolled his eyes but didn't interfere. He had bigger fish to fry. Jim had agreed to talk, which meant Blair would do all the talking, but Jim would, at least, listen. 

Blair had brought out the carefully hidden confection for a very specific reason, and the marshmallows were now serving the precise function he'd hoped they would. So long as Jim had something to do, and he didn't have to sit and watch Blair awkwardly, he wouldn't head for the hills the moment the conversation became less than comfortable. 

This was it, then. It was time. 

"Okay, here's what I've been thinking," the curly-haired man began as Jim kept an eagle eye on their desert, "I think the Sentinel/Guide bond between us has had someunusual effects on our relationship. Maybe even on our feelings. Would you agree?" 

For a moment, he didn't think Jim would answer and the silence weighed heavily upon him. While turning the sticks carefully, Jim finally responded, "Yeah. I would agree with that." 

Blair let out a sigh of relief. They were going to discuss this like adults, after all. "Wellwould you say that us havinga closer relationship is all part of what was meant to be, then? That our feelings are, like, part of the Sentinel/Guide thing and, like, we're destined to have a certain kind of relationship because of it?" 

Jim frowned without looking at him. "Destiny? No. I would say that the Sentinel/Guide relationship may have opened the door for what you're talking about. But it's our choice whether or not to walk through it." With that, Jim handed Blair his stick. Blair blinked at the perfectly roasted, golden-brown marshmallow at the end. 

Obviously, approaching this topic from a non-scientific, pseudo-mystical Sentinel/Guide standpoint had been the wrong approach. Shaking his head, Blair tried again. "What I'm asking you." 

"I know what you're asking me," Jim cut him off. 

"And?" 

"And what?" 

Blair gave a long-suffering sigh. "And how do you feel about it? I mean, it seems to me that we both have feelings about each other we've been suppressing for a long time. I think we need to talk about why. We've never really discussed this kind of thing before. I don't even know how you feel about male/male relationships. Do you find the idea repugnant?" 

"Repugnant?" Jim turned to look at Blair at last and to the smaller man's surprise, he smiled. "No, Blair. I don't find the idea of a relationship with you repugnant." 

As Blair gazed into Jim's smiling eyes, hope soared within him. He's not adverse to a relationship with me! Blair thought giddily. This admission was more than he'd thought to get out of Jim and the implications astounded and aroused him simultaneously. Jim was still smiling gently, his lips close enough to Blair's that if he leaned forward, he could easily kiss the older man. Offering up a prayer of thanks to whatever Gods might be listening, Blair swallowed nervously and began to lean in. 

"Blair, this isn't happening." 

Blair froze. "It isn't?" he asked carefully, pulling back far enough to look into Jim's eyes. 

"No." 

"Oh." A moment passed. "I was wrong, then," Blair said sadly to himself, and he shook his head at his own foolishness. 

Jim watched him shaking his head and realized he couldn't leave his friend with that impression. Blair had wanted to clear the air and in his heart, Jim knew it was the right thing to do. It seemed to be a day for truths, after all. 

"No, Blair. You weren't wrong." Blair looked up hopefully and the hurt Jim was about to cause the younger man pained him greatly--but Blair would suffer far less, the big man believed, than he would himself. "But this isn't going to happen because itwouldn't be right." 

Blair looked confused. "In whose estimation?" 

Jim let out a sad breath and admitted, "Mine." 

"Yours?" Blair's face fell. "Then you feel it too, but you've thought about it and you don't want it." The younger man nodded as if this explained a lot. 

"I'm sorry, Blair. I don't want to take that chance. Not with our friendship. It's too important." 

Blair just smiled sadly and twisted a corner of his shirt into a bunch. "Well, that's certainly the nicest rejection I ever got." 

Jim didn't know what to say to that. 

"Am I really such a major risk?" Blair asked, looking deeply into Jim's eyes. 

Jim sighed. He didn't want to get into this now, not while they were on vacation. But he owed his friend the truth. "You and I don't view intimacy the same way, Sandburg. For me, it has to mean something. I've never beencasual about that kind of thing. I don't do one night stands. At least, I don't sleep with someone if there's not the potential for it to evolve into something more meaningful. I need to be able to say to myself, 'Maybe this person is _the one_.' I have to feel that it." 

"Wait a minute, here, man." Blair had been making objection-like motions for the last several sentences and apparently could stand it no longer. "You're saying I'm casual about relationships? What am I, the one night stand king? Blair the slut, is that it?" 

"Blair! I didn't say that." 

"Yes, you did! But you have no right! You presume to understand how I view sex, but you don't know anything about me! Gods above! For all you know, I could be the exact opposite of what you think I am. Maybe I DON'T sleep around the way you think I do! Maybe I never have!" As if realizing he'd said too much, Blair fell silent, his cheeks a flaming protest to Jim's thoughtless declaration. 

"Blair, what are you saying?" 

Bowing his head, Blair remained silent, his stillness a quiet condemnation in and of itself. Concerned, Jim leaned forward and grasped the smaller man's chin, lifting his head forcefully and attempting to make Blair meet his eyes. And while the younger man kept his gaze averted, Jim saw enough. Indeed, what Jim saw did more than give him pause, it shocked him to his boots. 

Blair had tears in his eyes. 

In all the time he had known Blair, Jim had seen him cry only once--and that was when his heart had been broken. "Blair! Hey, I'm sorry if I've implied something that's hurt you. That wasn't my intention." Ocean blue irises turned up, pain so openly broadcast from their guileless depths that Jim removed his hand and recoiled slightly. "Blair, pleaseyou're scaring me, here. What is it?" This wasn't what he'd wanted at all! To hurt Blair like this! 

"If I was really that kind of person, Jim, I would have." Blair choked brokenly, shook his head and tried again, "A long time ago, I would have. But I didn'tand I never." Tears fell freely now and Blair stood abruptly, wheeling on his friend and waving a shaking fist in his dismay. "All I ever wanted from you was your respect!" Throwing his marshmallow-stick to the ground, Blair spun on his heel and marched off into the darkened woods, leaving his stunned, silent partner behind. 

On his log by the fire, Jim sat, mouth hanging open, staring after his friend in astonishment. Blair's words rang in his ears: "But I didn'tand I never." 

_I never._

Oh, God. 

Blair was a virgin. 

Jim felt his reality teeter as he struggled to understand this new twist life had thrown at him. If it was true, it meant that everything he'd believed about Blair for so very long was garbage. How could he have been so wrong about the man? Blair was right. Jim did take him for granted--took for granted things he knew nothing about. He presumed to know Blair, when all he really knew were appearances. Was _this_ why Blair's relationships broke off so quickly? Because his partners started to expect too much? Because they expected something Blair wasn't ready to give? Shit! 

Though he was shocked by these revelations, Jim was more appalled by his own rash declaration. Talk about putting your foot in your mouth! Good one, Ellison. Maybe later you can find some puppies to stomp. Puppies with big, soulful blue eyes. 

"Blair, wait!" Tossing his own marshmallow-stick aside, Jim was off the log in a flash and making for his partner's retreating form. Sentinel sight picked him out of the shadows with ease and Jim caught up to his partner without difficulty. "Wait, Blair. We have to talk!" 

Blair rounded on him. "NOW you want to talk? Well guess what, Ellison? I DON'T!! Just go away and let me die of shame." Blair turned and resumed his blind march. 

"What shame? I think it's wonderful, Blair! You have a lot of courage." Blair stopped in his tracks and turned a tear streaked face to his partner. Jim had the sudden urge to kiss away those tears, but he shook it off. This was no time for fantasy. This was serious. 

"I have what?" Blair asked, confused. 

"Blair, I wish I had waited for the right person to come along. I wish I had waited until I was in love. That's what makes it special. I think that takes tremendous patience and strength of character. I admire that." 

Blair frowned. "Again, you presume to know me--to know my motivations and reasoning." Pulling his gaze away, Blair stared off into the darkened woods around them. "You don't know anything about me, man," Blair sputtered, choking back tears, "Nothing." 

Jim was beginning to realize this himself. "Okay. Tell me, then." Jim forged ahead, "Why have you beenabstinent?" 

Blair winced at the word "abstinent" as if it had unwholesome connotations. "I was." 

"Tell me," Jim prompted softly. 

"I was waiting for something." Blair continued to gaze off into the woods, though Jim was sure he could see nothing but darkness. Perhaps that was what he was looking at. The darkness all around them. 

"What, Blair? What were you waiting for?" 

"I was waiting until I knew the time was right." 

"And how would you know?" 

"I would know because I wouldn't beafraid." 

This gave Jim pause. "You mean to sayyou're not afraid with me?" 

"No." The word was whispered so quietly a normal human wouldn't have been able to hear it. 

Jim heard. 

"I've wanted you for a long time," Blair admitted. "I tried not to, but I couldn't help it. When I think about it with you, I don't get scared like I usually do. You're the only one I wouldn't be afraid with. I want to have this with you, Jim." 

Jim was awed by this. Not simply that Blair trusted him enough not to fear intimacy with him, but that he wanted to give this gift to him. It was astonishing. "Blair, do you know what you're saying?" 

"I know," Blair responded softly. Feeling drained by the admission, he moved sluggishly to lean against a nearby tree. Waiting until Jim had taken up a similar posture, Blair took a deep breath and continued, "I didn't wait so long for no reason, man. I'm not saying I'm some kind of monk. I've done almost everything else there is to do, you know. With someone else. But I knew, somehow I've always known, that when I took this last step, I would lose myself completely. That there would be no turning back. That if I gave myself to someone that way, it would be for keeps. That I'd lose my heart and soul and never be able to move on again. Not completely. A part of me would always be missing, even if I found love again. You gotta realize how scary that is for someone like me. Someone who prides himself on being able to pick up and disappear at a moment's notice. 

"It took me a long time to know it was right. I mean, we've been living together, what, almost three years now? Womenthey aren't that patient. Even when I cared about a woman enough to tell her the truth about why I wouldn't." Blair trailed off, the sound of long-withheld pain in his voice. 

"What about Maya?" Jim hazarded. 

Maya. Just the name called up her image in Blair's mind--an image that was neither hazy nor indistinct. Time had not offered him that small grace: forgetfulness. She had trusted Blair and he'd deceived her. He'd used her to get to her father. The shadow of guilt over what he'd done loomed like a vengeful specter still, contaminating his heart with doubt; polluting it with shame and eating at his self-esteem. But he'd done what he had to do. He'd lost her because he'd done his duty. 

"It would never have worked with Maya," Blair began, his gaze lowering despite the darkness. "We were just too different. Our upbringing, our values, they were all working against us from the start." Blair raised his eyes, seeking Jim's in the shadows before him. "You understand things Maya never will. Things like duty and honor and what those things can do to a man's heart and soul. In Covert Ops. At the PD. You leaned those things." Blair tilted his head, his lips raising in a sardonic grin. "It's almost funny, ya know? I mean, I've spent my life protesting the military mentality, but it's that very thing that I admire in you. You know the price doing your duty can cost. I didn't learn that until Maya. I owe her, I guess. If it weren't for what happened with Maya, I never would have realized that the one I'd been waiting for was right there all along. You, Jim." 

Jim. The one person in his life who understood his pain. When he'd lost Maya, Jim had been there for him. Not offering a shoulder to cry on--the Sentinel had known that would do no good. He'd simply let it be known that he understood and was there should he be needed. He'd done the only thing he could to lessen his partner's suffering: He'd kept Blair busy with small distractions, dragged him along on every stake-out, sought his advice on personal issues. But above all, Jim had treated him no differently than he had before. He hadn't attempted to avoid the subject of Blair's disastrous love affair, but nor had be paraded it before him. Another person might have perceived this behavior as indifference. But Blair knew Jim too well to make that mistake. Only Jim had refused to make Blair feel self-conscious by tiptoeing around the issue with sympathetic discretion. Jim had known that only time would help. So he'd stuck by Blair's side throughout--just waiting. 

It was that very turning point in his life that had made Blair see his relationship with Jim in a new light. It wasn't until he'd suffered this crisis of the heart that he acknowledged, for the first time, his feelings for Jim. Watching how Jim reacted to his inner turmoil, Blair had realized how perfectly they complemented one another; each knowing what the other needed without being told and providing it without being asked. It was as if they were part of each other. Maya had walked away, but Jim? Never. Had he been in Maya's place, he would have understood. There was no doubt in Blair's mind. None at all. Jim, who so respected duty and honor, would have understood and forgiven. 

Blair looked up to find Jim studying him quietly, giving him the time he needed to sort out his thoughts. Not pushing; never pushing. Only waiting, as always, until Blair was ready to carry on. Shaking off the painful memories, Blair continued, "We'rebound together. We're best friends; Sentinel and Guide. You've already given me everything I ever wanted in a lover. You gave me a home, friendship, an unbreakable bond. 

"The _bond_. That's how I knew it was right for us. We're so alike, Jim. I'm not talking about things like age and temperament. Those things don't mean anything to me. I'm talking about the things that are _important_ to us. We both need someone we know will always be there. I can't be with someone I don't feel that with. I'm just not the type of guy who could ever play the field. I need to lose myself in the person I love. And you're the only one I could give myself to and know I'm not risking my heart and soul. You're the only one I could trust always to be there for me." Blair gave Jim a sad smile. "You've already shared your whole life with me. There's only one thing missing. And I'm not afraid when I think about being with you. That's something even Maya couldn't give me. 

"I didn't tell her, you know. Didn't tell her that I was. " Blair trailed off looking down at his shadowed feet, then abruptly continued, "I almost never tell women the truth about why Ican't get that close. The girlfriends I did tellwellit always turned out to be a huge mistake. They didn't appreciate that I wanted to wait to be sure it was right. Every woman I told seemed to think I should be able to give my heart--my soul--after only a few weeks. Little white obfuscations work much better," Blair said with a sad grin. 

"The truth only made them come after me like I was some kind of prize. I guess corrupting a virgin is an appealing thing. The desire for the unattainable and all that. Saying 'No' once and for all only made them think they weren't important enough or something." Blair gazed off into the darkness, so like the darkness he'd allowed to creep into his soul when he'd betrayed Maya. "I've gotten pretty good at being dumped. Taking rejection gracefully and all that crap," Blair continued, his voice taking on a slightly bitter tone as he thought back on his seemingly endless string of lost loves. "I'm not the one night stand king, Jim. I'm the king of being dumped on." 

Jim, who had surmised as much for himself already, inwardly cursed every woman who'd ever hurt his partner. But at the same time, he was glad. It was a terrible thing to be glad over another's pain, but he was. If Blair's female friends hadn't been so incredibly foolish, Jim would never have known Blair's secret. He would never have had this chance. For Jim now understood that when Blair said he was afraid with them, he didn't mean he feared the physical act. Instead, it was the very fear that Jim, himself, had been struggling with for so very long. The fear of giving himself so completely to another that the relationship's failure would wound his heart beyond all repair. 

Blair was right. Overtly, they were very different. But where it counted, they were somehow so much alike it was frightening. Perhaps the ancient Sentinels and Guides were like this, too. Maybe they had shared just this kind ofemotional dynamic; joined in their deepest beliefs and fears, whether they realized it or not. Maybe that was the very element that bound them together. 

Jim gave his head a shake. This wasn't the time for such speculation. Blair was the expert, anyway. He'd ask him about it later. But there was one thing he _had_ to ask now. One thing he _needed_ to know. Jim thought he knew the answer already, but after his faulty reasoning thus far, Jim was loathe to assume _anything_ without his Guide's confirmation. 

"Blairhave you ever been attracted to another _man_? Before me, I mean." 

Blair shrugged, then shook his head and looked down, seemingly more embarrassed than he'd been even when revealing his virginity. What was this? Jim wondered apprehensively. He was about to question his partner about his abrupt change in demeanor, when Blair said cautiously, "I've never felt this way about a guy before." Blair tugged at a button on his shirt. "It's weird. Before you, I never thought I _could_ feel this way about a guy. So Itested myself." 

Jim frowned, "Tested yourself?" He didn't like the sound of that one bit. 

"Yeah. Went to some leather bars. Picked up guys that reminded me of you," Blair admitted shamefacedly. Jim felt a stab of jealousy, but before he could speak, Blair continued, "I was trying to see if I could getaroused by another guy." 

"What happened?" Why was he whispering? 

Blair looked up and smiled crookedly. "Welllet's just say I got a reputation as a tease pretty quickly." 

"Blair! Do you have any idea how dangerous that was? How could you do something so stupid?" It hadn't been so long since Vice that Jim had forgotten that some men didn't easily take "No" for an answer. Especially the types that hung around in leather bars--the "tough man's" gay paradise. Blair had been lucky to escape with the mere reputation of a "tease," instead of physical and emotional scars to show for such stupidity. For Jim was fairly certain that by "guys that reminded me of you," Blair had meant, "guys a lot bigger than I am." Stupid? It was more than stupid. It was insane! Blair and his tests, Jim thought with a dismal shake of his head. What was he gonna do with the man? 

"Sorry, Jim. Ihad to know. I had to be sure." As Blair watched Jim shaking his head, he shifted from foot to foot, swaying to and fro unhappily. "Oh, man. You're disgusted with me, aren't you? It's not enough that I've humiliated myself in front of you, but now you're disgusted and pissed off, too!" Blair lowered his head and muttered, "This is the single worst day of my life." 

"Blair, no!" Jim shook himself, trying to keep up with his Guide's leaping thoughts. "I mean, that _was_ a stupid thing to do, but I'm not mad at you. Or disgusted. And I meant what I said before. I think its wonderful that you waitedand absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You have no reason to feel humiliated." Jim stepped closer. "I admire you, Blair. I always have." It was a difficult admission, but Blair needed to hear it. 

Blair met his eyes at last and snorted, "If it's so admirable, then how come everyone doesn't wait? I mean, how many twenty-seven year old virgins do you know?" 

Jim tilted his head comically, a slight smile quirking the corners of his lips, "Including you? Gee, let me think." 

Blair almost grinned in response and had to shake his head to keep the smile from forming. "You are _such_ an asshole, Ellison." 

Jim only snorted humorously in his own defense. 

Rubbing his temples lightly with the tips of his fingers, Blair intoned, "Gods, what a night. My head's spinning." 

"I wish mine was. I need a drink. Come back to the fire with me." 

"I didn't pack any liquor." 

"I did. Come on." Jim put an arm around his wayward partner, glad to find that Blair didn't protest the action, and guided them unerringly through the darkened woods to camp. Jim sat Blair on the log by the fire, then hunted down the flask of scotch he kept in his pack for emergencies. This was an emergency if ever there was one. 

Jim took a healthy belt, then passed the roughened silver flask to the younger man, who gulped obediently before coughing and wrinkling his nose with exaggerated disgust. He looked so adorable when he did that, Jim talked him into taking another swallow just to see him do it again. 

"Feel better?" Jim asked, watching the flush of whisky-warmth heat his Guide's cheeks. 

"I guess. Jim, can I ask you something?" 

"Anything." 

"How" Blair looked a little afraid of his own question, "how do you feel about me? I mean, really." 

Taking the flask from his partner's outstretched hand, Jim considered his next words carefully. "You were right when you said we both have feelings we've been suppressing for a long time. At firstI convinced myself that I didn't want to take a chance on ruining our friendship. But that wasn't really it. That wasn't whythings never went any further between us." 

"You mean it was because of what you said before. 'Cause you thought of me as some kind of table-leg humping skirt-chaser--too shallow to understand love and commitment and too self-centered to deserve it." Blair frowned defensively and wrapped his arms protectively around his chest. 

While looking at the acorn-strewn forest floor below, Jim said, "I'm sorry, Blair. I was wrong, okay?" Looking up, he met his Guide's shadowed blue eyes as he continued, "But you can't place the blame wholly on my shoulders. You did a pretty damn good job of feeding my beliefs. You _wanted_ me to think what I thought. You must have! What with the way you acted a lot of the time." Jim broke off, not wanting to hurt his friend further. He'd been through enough tonight. 

Clearing his throat, Jim asked softly, "Why did you do that, Blair? Come into the station on a morning after one of your dates with this big smile on your face, saying things that clearly implied that you'd been. Why, Blair?" 

Blair suddenly became very interested in toes of his tattered high-tops. "It's not like I've never done _anything_. I didyou knowhave a good time those nights. There are a lot of ways a man and woman canwellyou know. I just didn't," Blair waved a hand, his voice dropping to a whisper, "go all the way." Blair's heart fluttered very slightly and Jim frowned. He knew that sound well. He'd heard it on any number of occasions when questioning suspects. It happened when someone was telling the truth--just not _the whole_ truth. 

Jim didn't walk around constantly monitoring the heartbeats of everyone he spoke to for possible half-truths. It would drive him nuts. But his concern for Blair's well-being had made him focus on his Guide. There was something more here. Some additional reason Blair had kept his virtue so well hidden. "Blair," he said simply. 

The younger man looked up, grunted with frustration, then cast his gaze down again quickly. As Guide, Blair obviously knew how pointless it was not to speak with total honestly when Jim was in "monitoring mode." Jim was surprised he'd even tried it. Sighing his resignation, Blair admitted, "I told you already, man. I wanted your respect. It wasimportant to me." He didn't look up, but his heartbeat was strong and steady. 

Whoa. All that just to impress _me_? Jim regarded his roommate with concern. "Chief, did you really think making me believe you were a ladies' man would earn my respect?" 

Blair shrugged and mumbled, "Always worked before." 

"On who?" 

Blair waved a hand in a sweeping gesture, "Everyone." 

Jim sighed and shook his head. "Oh, Blair. We're not in a locker room. You don't have to try to impress me. And people who are really your friends aren't going to care one way or the other." Giving his friend a crooked grin, Jim declared, "You're already impressive enough, believe me. You don't need tall tales to get my admiration or respect. You've already got it." 

"Then you don't think less of me?" 

"Of course not! I told you, it's nothing to be ashamed of." 

Blair regarded him skeptically for a moment. "Jim, how old were you the first time you did it?" 

Unused to revealing such personal facts, Jim hesitated before answering, "Eighteen." 

"And when you were eighteen, before the first time, how old did you tell your buddies you were when you lost your virginity?" 

Surprise made him answer honestly, "Uhfifteen." 

Blair nodded. "My point exactly. If there was nothing to be ashamed of, you would have told the truth." 

"Blair! I was a kid then. Those things seemed a lot more important. But I know better now." 

"What do you know?" 

Jim frowned. "I know it's feelings that really matter, not the physical act. You're a smart man, Blair. You don't need me to tell you that." 

"Am I a man?" Blair muttered to himself, but Jim heard and was appalled. 

"Of course, you're a man! Blair, I joined the army when I was eighteen. I didn't lose my virginity until just before I put on a uniform. And later, when I joined Covert Ops, a lot of the men under my command--men I trusted, men I fought with and watched die--went to their deaths during missions never having had the chance to experience that kind of intimacy. They never had the chance you do. The chance to wait until it was right for them. 

"They were some of the bravest men I've ever had the honor to serve with. Most of them were still teenagers, new recruits only eighteen or nineteen years old. But they were _men_ , Blair. And no one will ever say otherwise in my presence. And IwellI feel the same way about you," Jim finished uneasily, secretly glad that the fire was dimming. He wasn't sure he could have said all that with Blair regarding him in the cold light of day, true though it might be. Talking about others was easy. Talking about his own feelings--that was hard. 

"Yeah?" 

The voice was so hopeful, so believing, that Jim found himself smiling. He realized, suddenly, that he had somehow managed to atone for his earlier hasty words. "Yeah," he confirmed with conviction--and he meant it. Blair _was_ a man. Not your _usual_ kind of man, but a man nonetheless. "I really mean it, Blair." 

"Jim?" 

"Yeah, Chief?" 

"Thanks, man." 

Jim smiled, feeling suddenly shy. "Umit's been kind of a long night. Maybe we should both get some sleep. Think about things. We can start over in the morning." 

"All right." 

"You go ahead and hit the tent. I'll take care of the fire." 

"Yeah. Okay." Blair rose to his feet. "UhJim?" 

"Yeah?" 

"UmI know we've had kind of an emotional bloodletting, hereand I understand why you think we should sleep on it and start over tomorrowbut." 

"What? We've been honest with each other so far." God, have we ever. "At this point, I don't think there's anything we can't say to each other. So tell me. What's wrong?" 

"There's nothing _wrong_." Blair shifted from foot to foot uncertainly. "I was just wondering if we couldmaybe hold each other tonight while we're sleeping on this?" 

Jim smiled. "Of course we can. That sounds perfect." 

Blair released a breath of relief. " 'Kay." He fidgeted. "UhI'll just be in the tent, then." 

Jim tried not to laugh. "Okay." His Guide was absolutely adorable when he was this nervous. He was going to enjoy exploring this side of the man. It was the only part of Blair he hadn't experienced. And the fact that he looked like he might faint over the idea of being held by Jim made him not only want to laugh with delight, but caused him to swell with pride. 

Jim watched as his partner wandered off, none too steadily, in the general direction of the tent before turning to tend the fire-pit. He hadn't said so, but he'd needed this time alone to think--to consider. 

The weekend was proceeding very differently from what he'd expected. Just the discovery of his partner's chastity was earth-shaking. He'd been so sure he knew what kind of man his Guide was. But Blair was clearly not the lothario Jim had taken him for. How could he have so misjudged his friend? 

The idea that Blair wanted him, had feelings for him, and had chosen him to be the first--no, not just the first, _the only_ \--was awe-inspiring. Blair wanted him with the full understanding that he would--how had Blair put it?--lose his heart and soul to the person he gave himself to? Yes. And to think that _he_ was the person Blair wanted to share this with! 

As Jim knelt there before the fire, thinking about their future together, happiness such as he'd never known bloomed within him. He'd loved this man for what felt like forever. And now that he had stopped hiding from it, had let himself really _feel_ it, everything that had happened before this moment was cast into shadow. The past became a jumble of bland images, without substance or depth. It was as if his entire life had been spent in darkness; in a pale existence, moving meaninglessly from one encounter to another. But none of that mattered anymore, for he was suddenly certain that everything in his life had, thus far, been only a means to an end--happening only to lead him to this point. 

Jim hugged himself happily, sure that this was no dream only because he could still feel the pain where he'd bitten his cheek earlier. Running his tongue over the wound, Jim wondered idly if it would scar. He hoped it would. That way, whenever he was feeling alone, he could simply run his tongue over the scar and he would remember the day he'd discovered that Blair loved him. Loved him _that_ way. In a way he never had, and never would, love anyone else. 

That thought alone made him anxious and dizzy. Opening his eyes quickly, Jim hastened to extinguish the fire, suddenly impatient to sleep, for the first time, while holding his Guide in his arms. After a last check to be sure the camp was secure for the night, Jim headed anxiously to join his partner. Unzipping the tent quickly, Jim made to cross the nylon threshold, but found himself poised in the entrance, frozen by delighted surprise. 

In the dim light of his small lantern, Blair was carefully zipping their sleeping bags together. 

Realizing, suddenly, that he was no longer alone, Blair looked up with a 'kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar' expression, and he hastened to explain himself. "UmI know I'm being kind of presumptuous here, man, but I thought." 

Jim moved the rest of the way into the tent and squatted to zip up the flap. Turning to his roommate with a smile, he said, "Tell me what you thought, babe." 

"Babe?" 

Jim shrugged self-consciously. It had just come out. If Blair didn't like it, he'd find some otherbut, no. Blair was smiling at him. Jim relaxed and brushed an errant curl behind his Guide's ear. "You were saying?" 

"Uhoh! I thought you wouldn't mind. Um, if you do, I could." 

"I don't mind," Jim assured him. "Just took me by surprise, is all." Blair nodded and hesitated momentarily, twisting the toe of one sock. It was a moment before Jim realized that Blair was nervous about undressing in front of him. He never had been before. But then, it had never had these overtones before. These specific implications. What a difference a day can make! Jim marveled, suddenly aware that everything he'd wanted for so very long was his for the taking. Wellperhaps not tonight. But soon. The very idea left him giddy. 

Taking the initiative, Jim sat on their combined sleeping bags and lay back to remove his sneakers and jeans. Blair watched him for a moment, shook himself suddenly, then followed suit. Jim kept his eyes carefully to himself. He wouldn't make his friend uncomfortable. He would wait, forever if need be, until Blair was ready. Smiling to himself, Jim inwardly shook his head at the foolishness of those women who hadn't been willing to wait for someone as wonderful as Blair. They had no idea what they'd passed up. 

Seeing that Blair was now sitting awkwardly in a tee-shirt and sweatpants, Jim motioned for him to get into the sleeping bags while he puttered pointlessly around the small tent. He wanted Blair in the bags first. This would save him the embarrassment of having to get in _with Jim_ for the first time. 

Crawling into the indicated space, Blair watched him tidy some discarded clothes and slowly smiled. Perhaps Blair thought _he_ was the one who was nervous, Jim speculated as he watched his partner smile from the corner of his eye. Or, knowing his Guide's insightfulness, he may have already surmised that Jim was trying to assuage his apparent discomfort. Whatever the case, Jim wouldn't make him regret his decision by allowing this to become awkward. 

Finishing with his tent-tidying, Jim turned and, as if he slept in sleeping bags with men every day of the week, swung his legs carelessly into the bag. Hunkering down into the space Blair had left him with exaggerated nonchalance, he tried his best to sound bored as he told Blair, "I'm gonna kill this light." 

"Yeah. Okay." Blair nodded agreeably from where he was huddled in the furthermost corner of the bags. 

Jim reached up and extinguished the lantern, then looked over at his partner. Blair lay quiescent in his corner, blinking owlishly in the darkness. Trying for the same bored tone, Jim complained, "This would be a lot more comfortable if I put my arm around you." 

He'd said it only as a warning. Knowing that Blair couldn't see him in the dark, he didn't want to startle the younger man. As if it were a simple handshake, the Sentinel reached out and pulled Blair into his arms, one hand gently directing the younger man to rest his head on Jim's chest. 

Blair had stiffened for a moment, but just as Jim began to fear he'd been too presumptuous, his Guide relaxed, letting his arms move around Jim's larger frame. Burrowing in further to bring their bodies into full contact, Blair sighed happily and said, "This is nice." 

Letting out a relieved breath, Jim hastened to agree, "Yeah. It is." 

It _was_ nice, so nice that Jim had to struggle to keep his libido in check. It wasn't easy with Blair in his arms. Feeling his warmth, his spicy smell tickling Jim's nose, made it damn near impossible not to become aroused. But he refused to frighten the younger man by poking him in the side when they had yet to share even a first kiss. But, oh! This felt so good. So right! Jim wondered if he would sleep at all. He might simply stay up all night enjoying the feel of Blair in his arms. 

Protected by the darkness, Jim allowed himself to smile stupidly. Yes. He could stay up all night and still not tire of this feeling. He felt like shouting his joy from the rooftops, or breaking into song. Yet he remained quiet. Just because _he_ couldn't sleep was no reason to keep his Guide up. The man had endured a painfully emotional evening. He needed his sleep. 

Though Jim had been sure that his partner was through with discussion for the night, Blair broke his contented silence only a moment later. 

"Jim?" 

"Yeah, Chief?" 

"You won'ttell anyone, will you?" 

"Of course not!" Jim was surprised Blair even had to ask. 

"Did you mean it when you said you still respected me?" 

"I meant it, Blair. My feelingsgo beyond respect." Had that made sense? Neither of them had said it, yet. Said the words. But Jim didn't want to move too quickly and frighten Blair away. Not now, just when they'd really found each other. Now that they'd sorted it all out. 

Or did Blair need him to say it first? He hadn't thought of _that_! Was Blair waiting for him to say it right now? Jim felt a twinge of fear at the thought, and he realized, suddenly, that he'd been waiting for Blair to say it first, not just because he was worried he might spook the younger man, but because somewhere, in the deepest recesses of his heart, he still feared losing him. 

Jim had almost zoned on his indecision when Blair's voice brought him back. 

"Jim? I need to know if. Not that it matters, butI wanted to ask." 

"Anything, Blair. You can always ask me anything. You can always tell me anything. Okay?" 

"Okay. Umyou don't have to answer if this is too personal." 

"I'll answer, " Jim told him with conviction. "I'll always answer. Ask." 

"Have you everyou knowbeen with a guy?" 

Jim relaxed. Was that all? "No. Never. I never wanted to beforebefore you." 

"When did you know you wanted to?" 

"I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but I started having these dreams." 

"You dreamt about me?" Blair sounded surprised. 

"Uhyeah." 

"You mean, likewet dreams?" 

Jim shifted uncomfortably, "Yeah, Blair." 

"Wow." 

Blair sounded so pleased with this discovery that Jim smiled. "It was kinda confusing, at first. Took me a while to come to terms with it. It was hard for someone like me. I mean, I'd never even _looked_ at another man before. So maybe you were right. Maybe it _is_ a Sentinel/Guide thing. Meant to be." 

Jim felt Blair raise his head. "I thought you didn't believe in destiny." 

"I don't, not really. But hey," Jim shrugged, "I could be wrong." 

Jim glanced down at his partner to find him smiling in the darkness. He not only looked happy with what Jim had said, but also right-at-home in his arms. Obviously, Jim wasn't the only one who felt a sense of "rightness" about all this. Jim's heart did a little jig in his chest. 

"Will you tell me sometime? About the dreams?" 

"Yeah," Jim answered, feeling strangely shy yet again. "Sometime." 

Returning his head to its former place, Blair cuddled in a bit more and Jim could feel him smiling against his chest as he whispered, " 'Night, Jim." 

"Goodnight, Chief," he whispered in return, and to his surprise he fell almost instantly into a long, deep, blissful slumber. 

When his Guide was happy, so was his Sentinel. 

* * *

Morning came too soon for Jim and he stretched languorously as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. It was a moment before all that had transpired the night before came back to him, but the moment it did, he became aware of the warm body snuggled in beside his, their legs partially entwined. The sound of his Guide's heartbeat told him that Blair was already awake and, turning his head, he found Blair with his chin propped up on one hand, regarding him thoughtfully. 

"Hey," Jim greeted. 

"Hey, Jim. Sleep well?" 

"Yeah. I did. Been awake long?" 

Blair shrugged, "A while. I've been thinking." 

"About last night?" 

Blair flushed slightly. "Um, yeah. Remember when you said I could ask you anything?" 

"Yeah." 

"Well, I want to ask you something, but it'spretty personal." 

"Blairyou slept in my arms all night. I think that entitles you to ask anything you want. If I can answer, I will." Blair nodded to himself, frowning as if he was trying to sort out the words he needed. 

Jim settled back, enjoying the early morning lethargy while he waited for his Guide's question. Blair must have something pretty serious to ask, Jim thought, for the contemplative silence reigned for some time. Deciding not to push, Jim allowed Blair to work up his nerve while using the time to try and will away his morning erection. 

He hoped Blair hadn't noticed. It wouldn't do to send him running from the tent or leave him feeling obligated to "assist" because things had changed between them. Down boy! Jim silently commanded. It's time when Blair _says_ it's time, and not a second before! he chided in his best no-nonsense tone, only to be happily ignored by his renegade penis. 

Damn, Jim frowned in his head, sometimes I really envy women. 

"Jim?" 

He'd been so engrossed in his battle with the wayward appendage that he was startled by his Guide's voice. "Yeah?" 

"What's it like?" 

Jim didn't pretend to misunderstand. "It's.... Well...it's kind of hard to explain." Blair snorted as if he'd heard _that_ one a thousand times before, and cocked an eyebrow reproachfully--a silent reminder that Jim had promised Blair could ask him _anything_. 

Taking in the look, Jim shook his head at his ridiculous evasion. Hard to explain? That's what everybody says when they want to avoid answering difficult questions. Blair expected better from him and he certainly deserved it. But there was even more to it than that. Blair trusted Jim to tell him the truth. Not some tall tale of sexual conquest, but the honest-to-God truth. And judging from the difficulty Blair had experienced in _asking_ , he had found it humiliating just to have to pose the question. After last night, Blair wouldn't willingly suffer this embarrassment unless he really _needed_ to know. 

Jim sighed, brows furrowing as he groped for words. "It's not like when you touch yourself," Jim began hesitantly and he waited a moment, giving Blair time to protest, if he felt the need, and declare that he did _not_ touch himself like some hormonally imbalanced teenager. But honesty seemed to be the catchword for the weekend, for no protest was forthcoming. Clearing his throat, the Sentinel continued, "It's so much more intense, it can be almost...." Jim trailed off self-consciously. 

Placing a hand on Jim's chest, Blair regarded his Sentinel with wide, interested eyes. "Almost what?" 

Jim swallowed. "Almost...scary." Blair nodded as if he had surmised this much for himself. "That is, it can be scary when it's still new, or with someone you haven't been with before--or been with often--and you're not really comfortable yet," Jim hastened to explain, not wanting to frighten his friend more than was necessary. Blair had enough to cope with as it was. 

"But how does it _feel_?" 

Jim nodded, prepared for the question. "Since I've only been with women, I'll have to tell you what it feels like with a woman. What it feels like with a man, I have no clue." Jim glanced at his partner, who only nodded slightly in encouragement. 

Clearing his throat, the older man continued, "There's...there's nothing like it, Blair. To feel someone stretched out beneath you, your bodies skin to skin and you inside her. It makes you feel alive. And it puts you so much in the _now_ that...that everything else goes away. The whole _world_ seems to go away and you forget all your troubles, disappointments, pain." 

Jim lay back and got comfortable, looking at the tent-dome above him, wondering why he'd thought it would be difficult to explain this to Blair. Now that he'd begun, it seemed the most natural thing in the world to lie in a tent discussing his sex-life with his partner. Jim wasn't sure what that meant. Maybe it was part of that Sentinel/Guide "sexual dynamic" he'd been pondering yesterday. 

"Go on," a gentle, though somewhat awed voice prompted, pulling him from his reverie. 

"Oh...uh." Jim shifted in his sleeping bag, his erection beginning to throb uncomfortably. The current topic of discussion wasn't helping his condition, and Blair was so close to him he could feel the man's breath on his cheek, his neck. 

Giving himself a shake, Jim continued, "It feelsit feels like a miracle. Wet heat and exquisite pressure. At first, it's always the same: you can't believe how good it feels. Then you start to move inside her and suddenly, it's better. So much better you wantwellyou want to finish right awaybut at the same time, you want it never to end. And the feeling builds. The pleasure. And you get to this point where you feel for a moment that you're not two separate people anymore. You're both moving together so perfectly, it's as if you're one being. It really is the ultimate joining, Blair. For a little while, you really are part of each other. Joined in pleasure. Can you imagine that?" 

"Inot really, no." 

Jim nodded. It _was_ hard to understand. But there was one thing he'd better make clear right away. He hadn't wanted to tell Blair this, knowing it might frighten him, but Jim's heart demanded his honesty. "Blair, the first time...well, it's not so good. You're too scared and nervous to feel all the things you're supposed to feel. In the beginning, it's always a disappointment. I mean, it is for most people." 

" 'Til you get good at it," Blair supplied with such certainty that Jim just had to smile. 

"Yeah," he agreed, " 'Til you get good at it." 

"Butbut what if the first time you're with a person you _know_ you can trust. Someone who doesn't make you afraid or nervous. What then?" 

Jim tilted his head and responded seriously, "Then you're a very lucky man." 

Blair nodded thoughtfully, "Yeah. I guess I am." 

Jim took the compliment gracefully, with only the barest of shy smiles curling the corners of his lips. He was only slightly surprised when a moment later the younger man reached out a hand and, with just the tips of his fingers, touched his lips. 

The touch was so intimate, so suggestive and erotic, that it was all Jim could do keep himself from sucking those fingers into his mouth. Dear God! Does Blair have any idea what he's doing to me? Jim wondered. His cock was twitching. He could feel it moving restlessly of its own volition. But drawing on a heretofore unknown reserve of inner-strength, Jim found the means to wait. He had waited so long already, he could wait awhile longer. He wouldn't spook his beautiful young love. They would take this at Blair's pace, or not at all, he vowed. So many had hurt Blair trying to push him into something he wasn't ready for. Jim would _not_ allow himself to become one of them. 

Secure in his decision, Jim relaxed, turning his attention to just enjoying the glorious feel of Blair's light touch upon him. Whenever you're ready, Blair, Jim thought happily. Whenever you're ready, I'm right here beside you. 

And I always will be. 

[Continued in part two](finalfrontier_a.html).


	2. Chapter 2

Due to length, this story has been split into three parts.

## Final Frontier

Rainy Day

Author's homepage: <http://members.aol.com/rainy1666/page/index.htm>

* * *

Final Frontier - part two  
By Rainy Day 

Blair watched his fingers move over his partner's lips for a moment, then slowly raised his eyes to meet Jim's. But Jim didn't move. Not a muscle. Blair had thought the suggestion to be clear, but Jim only continued to lay quiescent, simply regarding him contemplatively. Blair frowned. 

Why didn't Jim _do_ something? It was the perfect moment for Jim to kiss him for the first time. Made to order. An almost Hollywood-type set-up for a big story-ending lip-lock. If this were one of those early Spaghetti Westerns, this would be the exact point at which the gun-slinging hero planted a major wet-one on the girl, just before riding off into the sunset. So what was wrong? Didn't Jim want him? Didn't Jim--his heart fluttered at the very thought-- _love_ him? Could his reasoning have been faulty? Blair wondered fearfully, casting his memory back to his early morning permutations. 

When Blair had been awakened by the first light of dawn, he'd lain watching Jim, thinking about himself and how he felt, knowing that by tomorrow he'd be someone else; no longer Blair the loner, but Blair the lover. He hadn't let himself fall back into slumber, wanting the quiet time to commune with himself; to say goodbye, in a sense, to the part of himself he was losing. He hadn't wasted a moment, but had emotionally prepared himself for the long-awaited metamorphosis; fully understanding that the part of him that was innocence would never be again, but replaced by a part that was loved. 

In the gray light of early morning, Blair had allowed his thoughts to run free, just following wherever they led him; thinking and considering, wishing and dreaming. He hoped he wouldn't be a disappointment to Jim, who was certainly used to partners with more experience. But then, Blair knew his way around a bed. He'd done enough to hold his own in all but the last zone: the "final frontier," he thought with a grin, with Jim as his own personal Enterprise, on a mission to explore the unknown. 

No, Jim wouldn't be disappointed. He was a patient man. He'd teach Blair what he needed to know. Granted, it must be a little different with a woman, but the principle was the same. Jim knew how to move inside a lover to make his partner feel pleasure in the joining. 

As Blair considered this, a picture formed in his mind; a picture of the two of them moving together--joined in the ultimate embrace. Allowing himself to experience the desire the image evoked, Blair banished the small stab of nervousness that rose within him. This wasn't a time for fear, but for joy. For soon this man, this man he had loved for so very long, would be inside of him, making them into one person. Binding them together. Jim would belong to him, and he to Jim. The very notion was thrilling: To be granted the freedom to touch Jim whenever he wished; never again to be forced to hide his feelings or to suffer a night alone, lost in longing. 

Realizing he'd been getting ahead of himself, Blair gave his head a shake. They had yet to make any promises or commitments to each other. They had agreed only to sleep on the issues and begin the day fresh. But Jim's final words last night had sent Blair into slumber sure of the older man's feelings. Jim had already confessed that he desired Blair and had been repressing his feelings for some time. And though he hadn't declared his love openly, Blair felt certain that when Jim had said his feelings went beyond respect, what he'd really been saying was, "I love you." 

One simply had to understand Jim-speak. He'd had three years to learn the language and he'd deciphered all but the most obscure of euphemistic references. And though it was sometimes a primitive language, it was replete with subtleties. Depending upon facial expression, the tone of verbal accompaniment and context, a cuff on head could mean anything from "You're important to me," to "What's the matter with you? Have you lost the common sense you were born with?" 

Blair smiled fondly down at his partner, pitying those who'd never taken the time to understand the man. Jim was a wonder. Not just because he was a Sentinel, but because he had the persona of a warrior and the heart of a poet. He was like this place, Blair mused, thinking of the secret spot to which he was now privy. Jim was a rough wilderness one must fight through to reach the hidden treasures within. A tough journey to be sure, but worth the trip. Blair could spend the rest of his life exploring the limitless depths inside this man and still never tire of it. In fact, he would, Blair thought happily. The notion appealed to his explorer-spirit and at the same time gave him the one gift he'd so longed for in his youth. 

Blair had spent so much time moving around during his childhood that he'd never felt truly at home anywhere. Oh, it had been fascinating and educational shadowing Naomi on her many adventures, but he'd missed out on a lot because of it. He'd formed no lasting friendships, preferring the company of acquaintances, for he had learned early that to make friends was to set himself up for hurt. That's what he remembered most about his childhood: the pain of saying goodbye. 

Often, Naomi would leave him with friends or relatives for months at a time, but just as he'd settled in--just as he'd begun to feel safe and secure--he would find himself waving from a distance, shouting final good-byes when Naomi collected him and took him on yet another impetuous journey. Strangely, he'd been the envy of every cousin he had. And in truth, his childhood HAD been a grand adventure--but always, there was something missing. Adapting to his mother's free-spirited lifestyle had deprived him of things other children took for granted: a sense of security, stability, even friendship. 

Oh, he'd never doubted his mother's love, but he couldn't depend on her being there for him. Because she was away so much, Naomi couldn't be relied upon to impart advice or offer reassurance when it was needed. As a result, Blair had learned survival, self-reliance, even keeping his own counsel far earlier than a child should. His youth had been spent in a whirlwind of motion, a blur of movement that had left him forever a guest and never a host. He'd had no home base. No safe zone. No place of certain comfort to run to when the going got tough. He would have that now, Blair thought with wonder. Not merely in the loft, but in Jim. From this day forward, "home" would mean Jim's arms. 

_Home._

The word resounded in Blair's mind, even as he struggled to drag his thoughts back to the present. His hand still on Jim's lips, he considered the implications of the big man's passionless immobility. He had felt such joy at the notion that making love with Jim would be, in a very real sense, "coming home," that he'd taken for granted that Jim must feel the same way. Happy in his certainty, he'd convinced himself that Jim had said as much in his own way. 

But as Blair now watched Jim regarding him impassively, seemingly unmoved by the intimacy between them, doubt clouded his mind. What if this didn't mean the same thing to Jim? What if all the conclusions Blair had drawn in the early-morning light had sprung from a flawed assumption of Jim's wants and desires? During last night's emotional upheaval, Blair had told his partner what this would mean to him and he knew Jim wouldn't take advantage of that. He'd never take Blair under false pretenses. But what if Jim wasn't ready to take this step? 

He'd been so engrossed in thinking about what this meant to _him_ that Blair had not considered that Jim might want to wait. Might need to wait. Events _had_ progressed awfully fast. Certainly someone like Jim would need more than one night to come to terms with the changes in their relationship. How could he have been so self-centered as to disregard the man's feelings this way? Removing his fingers from Jim's lips at last, Blair sat up with a despondent frown and looked over at his pack. 

"Blair?" 

Glancing over at Jim guiltily, Blair turned silently back to his pack and began to rummage within for a fresh set of clothes. He knew his hasty dressing and departure would worry Jim, and that wasn't fair, but he genuinely needed to be alone for a while with his thoughts. Only a little while. He wouldn't be gone long. Just a short walk, that was all, Blair thought, stifling the tears that threatened only by focusing on his anger at his own thoughtlessness. 

He'd just began to lift a warm flannel to his shoulders when he felt Jim's hand clamp down upon his wrist, thwarting the movement. Blair looked up to find his partner sitting across from, head tilted and brow furrowed. 

"Blair, what's wrong?" Jim sounded alarmed. 

"I'mI'm just going for a walk, man," Blair choked out, overly-aware of the catch in his voice, wishing he could mask his feelings with more grace. He didn't want to cry in front of Jim. He couldn't do that to him. He wouldn't hurt his friend or smother him in guilt for simply wanting to wait. After all, if there was anyone who should understand the need, shouldn't it be him? "Just the call of nature, ya know? I'll be back in a minute." 

Jim's grip tightened. "No," he stated emphatically, worry making his tone hard and brisk, "Not until you tell me what's wrong." 

Perhaps it was the disappointment, Blair would reason later--disappointment over losing all the things he'd banked his future upon. But whatever the reason, he was suddenly angered by the larger man's use of force to restrain him. His anger turning outward, Blair ignored the pained tears that threatened and raised his eyes to meet Jim's levelly. 

"Let me go." 

He'd spoken softly, hardly more than a whisper, but the words were harsh enough that they could be mistaken for nothing but what they were: an order. Jim's eyes widened. He glanced down at his restraining hand, then up into Blair's eyes before carefully releasing his grip. Slowly, Jim's arm withdrew, then he simply sat back, staring at his Guide with wide, confused eyes. 

Not bothering with the buttons, Blair pulled his flannel quickly over his head. After a moment's consideration, he tossed aside the clean jeans he'd found in the bottom of his pack. His sweats would warm enough to combat the morning chill. Locating his sneakers in one corner of the tent, he began fumbling with the graying laces as he heard Jim speak once again. 

"Whatever I did wrong, I swear I didn't mean it. I would never hurt you, Blair. Not intentionally." Blair was so surprised by the unhidden desperation in the strong man's usually calm voice that he found himself looking up, his attempt to hide his watery eyes forgotten. 

"Oh, Jim! You didn't do anything wrong. It's me!" Blair closed his eyes and shook his head, the tears running down his face at last. He was ruining everything, Blair realized. Hurting Jim. "I'm sorry, Jim. I just thoughtI got my heart so set on." Blair wiped the tears away and made an effort to control himself. He wasn't playing fair. 

"What, Blair? What did you have your heart set on?" Jim grasped his partner's final words like a lifeline. Leaning forward, his eyes begged for reprieve from whatever wrong he'd done. 

"I've waited so long. So long 'til I was ready. So long 'til I knew it was right. Knowing it's not right for you, yetknowing that you don't want me as much as I want you. Wellit just kinda hurts that you're not ready, too." 

Jim was dumbfounded. Didn't want him? Not ready? Good God! It was all he could do to keep from throwing Blair to the ground and hammering him like a tent peg! 

Spurred into action by Blair's fallacious beliefs, Jim rose to his knees and threw himself forward, pulling Blair into a similar posture as he wrapped him in a tight embrace. Using his partner's moment of surprised immobility to burrow into his curls, Jim found an ear and whispered, "I want you, Blair. God, I want you so bad! More than I've ever wanted anything. More than I want air to breathe." Jim knew he could have spoken the words aloud if he'd had to, but such admissions seemed somehow appropriate only when conveyed to one's lover in a whisper. 

"Youyou do?" Blair's arms rose tentatively around him. 

"Oh, babe! I thought you knew. I thought you could tell." Taking Blair's hand in his own, Jim brought it carefully between them and, placing it on his groin, let Blair feel his hardness. While Jim was aware this was something of a crude gesture, at least between two people who had yet to share even a first kiss, he could think of no words or actions that would be as convincing. He needed Blair to understand--to believe how much Jim wanted him; how hard it had been for him to hold back. And though this was far from the most romantic move Jim could have made, Blair didn't pull away. 

Though Blair had gasped when he'd found his hand on Jim's erection, he seemed more pleased than shocked as he exclaimed, "You _do_ want me!" 

"Yes," Jim sighed, thankful for Blair's understanding, "I just didn't want to be impatient with you like those women were. I promised myself I wouldn't do anything until you _told_ me you were ready." 

"Ready?" Blair removed his hand and leaned back to look into his partner's eyes incredulously. "Jim, I'm ready. Gods, am I ready! I am _so_ ready. I've been ready since the day I met you, I just didn't know it. I mean, I'm twenty-seven. You can't get more ready than that!" 

"Okay, okay!" Jim laughed his relief, "I get it!" 

Blair smiled back, the tension of the moment rapidly dissipating. But needing to be sure there was no misunderstanding between them on this issue, he let the smile fade and asked seriously, "Jimyou do understand what this means to me, don't you?" 

"No less than it means to me," Jim answered, then pausing, frowned, "Nothat's not right. It's already too late for me. I've already lost my heart and soul to you. I lost it last night when you let me hold you in my arms." Being a man more of action than of words, Jim allowed Blair to see in his eyes how well he understood--understood that this was to be a union of souls: a kind of spiritual marriage. A permanent joining. Jim didn't know the exact moment that had become necessary to his existence, but he _did_ know that for him there was already no turning back. Making no attempt to mask what was in his heart, Jim let his eyes speak these truths for him. 

"This is it, then." Blair was gazing up at him wide-eyed. "It's really going to happen." Blair felt a chilled shiver run up his spine and was glad he'd put on his flannel. The morning must be colder then he'd realized. 

"Blair, I _do_ want you. I want _us_. But." 

"'But'? But what?!" Had Blair thought it was cold? It was clearly warm, for he could feel droplets of perspiration forming beneath his arms. Perhaps he was coming down with something? 

"But I need you to make the first move. I won't. I can't. I would always feel like I'd coerced you. Taken advantage of yourinnocence." Jim gave his head a shake, realizing this idea was as faulty and foolish as it sounded, but he was unable to shake the notion, nonetheless. "Could we." 

"What, Jim?" 

"Could we maybe go back to the part where you touch my lips?" Jim looked, suddenly, so hopeful and open, so genuinely child-like that Blair had to smile. 

"I think we can do better than that, lover." And with that, Blair leaned forward and kissed the man he'd desired for so very long square on the lips. 

There are as many kinds of kisses as there are people who kiss. Like all individuals, Blair had a kiss unique to himself. A way of moving that was all his own. Until this moment, Jim had thought he'd experienced the most pleasurable kisses this life was likely to offer him. But that was before Blair. Before Blair's lips moved over his in this unexpected way. 

Blair kissed with a startlingly slow sensuality, his lips gliding more than pressing. And as he moved them in an excruciatingly slow caress, the tip of his tongue would sweep gently over Jim's upper lip, more to taste than to request entrance. Jim felt as if his entire body was being caressed as Blair drew his arousal up rung after rung by pulling away slightly every moment or so to tilt his head and taste again. 

But Jim's long-repressed desire demanded more and he opened his lips slightly only to find Blair's tongue in his mouth before he'd noticed it moving there. It was the most amazing thing Jim had yet to experience. For Blair hadn't simply stuck his tongue in Jim's mouth, but had seemed to actually flow past Jim's lips like water. Like the flow of the rippling stream beyond the tent, Blair moved effortlessly; exploring here, tasting there. There was nothing sloppy or awkward in the motion. He simply kissed the way he did everything else in life: by throwing himself into it with his whole heart. There was no affectation here; no attempt to show off technique. Blair simply allowed his mouth to move as his heart directed. 

Aroused beyond the ability to effectively reason, it was several seconds before Jim's sense of taste reported in, but the information it supplied was so wonderfully startling, it was a moment before he let himself believe it. Blair's mouth was sweet--far sweeter than he'd imagined in even his most passionate of secret dreams. He tasted of sage and mint and heated cloves. The combination was a heady spice. Tasting Blair was like a drink of mulled wine: refreshing and strong, with a sweetness that lingered in the aftertaste. 

Had Jim been a woman, he might well have fainted. But masculine bravado joined forces with ego and refused Jim permission to surrender himself to that degree. Such a surrender, pride chimed in, might easily be construed as weakness or perceived as effeminate. Do you want Blair to lose all respect for you? 

Battling to shut out the babbling cacophony of concerned voices within, Jim sought out honesty and appealed to love. This overpowering combination easily vanquished all other emotions and Jim let himself get lost in the passion of the kiss at last. 

Giving himself over to the moment completely, Jim let his tongue entwine with his Guide's velvety softness and Blair responded by pressing himself more deeply into Jim's embrace. He could feel Blair's erection now and he couldn't stop from moaning into his Guide's sweet mouth. Blair's hardness met his own with as much familiarity as desire, as if they were old lovers rekindling a past affair. How was that possible? Jim's body seemed to know Blair's on an intimate level, yet they had never before touched in this way. It was as if they were 

_Meant to be._

The notion was exciting, but at the same time frightening. Jim didn't want to believe that his future was already determined. He wanted to feel that _he_ controlled his destiny. Yet as Blair moved against him, hips shifting slightly and further enflaming the physical manifestations of their shared desire, Jim realized that such control was an illusion. A man could no more control his future than he could command the movement of the stars. Jim couldn't fight this. What was more, he didn't want to. 

Pulling away only when he felt the blankness of a zone threatening, Jim regarded the flushed face of his partner; taking in the wide, dilated eyes, the movement of his chest as he panted. Focusing his sense of hearing, Jim listened with relish to the wild pounding of his partner's heart: a heart that now beat only for _him_. Jim's head swam at the thought. 

"I'm going to take you to bed now, Jim." 

Such simple words and spoken so factually, yet they sent a bolt of desire through Jim such as he'd never known; enflamed him almost beyond his ability to control himself. The strength of his own need frightened him. Grappling with his passion, it was a moment before he understood why Blair had remained still, just watching him carefully. 

Realizing that a definitive response was required before matters could actually proceed, Jim opened his mouth to respond, but found he was unable to articulate his acquiescence. Abandoning the attempt to vocalize, Jim nodded mutely instead and was charmed by the demure smile this action called to his partner's lips. Blair began pushing at him gently, but it took several seconds for Jim's passion-fogged brain to grasp what his lover wanted. Giving himself over to Blair's direction, Jim allowed his partner to move him to the tent floor and guide him into the sleeping bags. 

Blair toed off his sneakers, then turned to his pack. Plucking something from the front pocket, he turned back and Jim saw he was fiddling nervously with a small, white tube. "Um. II brought this so we'd be ready. You know, in case you said 'yes.'" Jim must have looked confused, because Blair blushed as he continued, "Idid a little research. Mostly on the Internet. I wanted to know how to do this the right way. I mean, I knew _some_ things already, but I didn't know the specifics; but there a bunch of web-sites that deal with this kind of thing--you know, sexuality?--and there are a few lists I subscribed to, in order touhget information aboutabout the best way toum." 

"Blair," Jim's concern for his Guide brought back his voice, and covering Blair's nervous hand with his own, he gently took the tube. "Calm down, babe. It's okay. Just tell me what to do with this." 

Blair didn't meet his eyes. "It's for, um, you know. Stretching. So it won't hurt me when you." Blair waved a hand. 

"Stretching?" 

"Yeah," Blair flushed a deeper red. "With your fingers. You put some inside me and loosen the muscle with your fingers." Blair cleared his throat and continued in a mumble, "You put some on yourself, too." 

Oh. Stretching. Of course. 

Jim had heard a lot in Vice. Seen a lot, too. Thinking back, he could now recall many of the "toys" he'd seen during raids--toys that had been created for just this purpose. He'd even seen them used in a few of the videotapes he and several of his fellow Vice cops had been forced to sit through while planning to bust a pornographer who'd been using underage models. Jim simply hadn't paid attention to specifics then because such things had held no personal meaning for him. Thank goodness one of them was thinking clearly. Pain was definitely _not_ on the agenda this weekend, Jim thought, glad Blair had the foresight to plan ahead. That's my researcher, the Sentinel mused with an inward shake of his head. 

Reaching up, Jim took Blair's chin in hand. "That was good thinking, babe. At least one of us is on the ball, here." Blair met Jim's eyes and gave him a shy smile, relaxing slightly. Giving Blair's hand a tug, Jim whispered, "Come join me. I'm cold without your arms around me." 

Blair swallowed and nodded, but his flushed cheeks had returned to a more normal color and he seemed only slightly nervous as released Jim's hand to crawl into the bags beside him. Leaning forward, Blair placed his hands tentatively on Jim's chest, touching with digits and palms. Slowly, Blair began to move his thumbs, swirling them in a gentle caress, making lazy circles on the hard pectoral muscles above the larger man's nipples. 

Jim closed his eyes, drowning in Blair's seductive touch. The touches were light, yet electric in their effect upon Jim. How did the man do that? Touch him only with two fingers and have Jim throbbing with desire? Jim moaned softly and pressed himself into the touch, wanting more, needing more from his lover than light touches. 

His _lover_. 

He was Blair's lover, now. The only one he would ever have. The only one who would ever. Opening his eyes, Jim stammered, "Blair, I needneed." 

"What, lover?" Blair asked, smiling at him softly. "What do you need?" 

What _did_ he need? What had he been about to ask for? Blair's hands were driving the thoughts from his mind. Then Blair raised his eyes and the child-like innocence behind the brilliant azure irises cut deeply into his heart, and Jim knew. 

"I need to touch you. So I'll know. Really know." 

"Know what, Jim?" 

"That you're really mine." Blair smiled brightly, his eyes more blue than Jim could ever remember seeing them. As his eyes danced and capered, they darkened with desire to an indigo that verged on violet. Was that possible? Did Blair have the power to change the color of his eyes? 

"Touch me, then. Touch me all over. Make me _see_ I belong to you. Make me _feel_ it." 

Jesus. If Jim didn't know Blair so well, he would have thought the man had rehearsed this stuff ahead of time. But Blair didn't have to. He was naturally sensual. Inherently responsive. He didn't have to _try_. He could just _be_. 

Slowly, Jim ran his hands along Blair's sides, lingering over the narrow waist and letting his thumbs stroke the stomach muscles. Even through the fabric of Blair's sweatpants, Jim could feel the muscles quiver invitingly. Needing the final intimacy, Jim moved his hand to Blair's groin and touched where no other man or woman ever would again. 

"Mmm." Blair closed his eyes and lay back, not attempting to touch in return, just letting himself revel in the feel of Jim's hand upon him. It thrilled Jim. Not just touching Blair, but watching him receive this pleasure. It was so rare. Far from feeling the need to perform, to participate in a show of giving and receiving, Blair felt comfortable enough with him that he could just lie back and accept this pleasure. Comfortable enough to let Jim _watch_ him accept it. To actually free himself from sexual responsibility. 

Jim felt a bit unsure as he ran his hand back and forth above the soft cotton material covering his lover's hard length. He had never touched a man like this before. But despite his nervousness, Jim found himself deeply aroused by the emotion he saw flickering across Blair's features. He was so open! Unguarded desire broadcast clearly from the expressive face. Seeing the unbridled passion consuming his Guide's features, Jim finally dared to slip his hand beneath the barrier separating them. 

Blair gasped, his eyes flying open to stare sightlessly at the dome above them as he began to pant. Captivated, Jim watched as his Guide's eyes took on a faraway look and his cheeks flushed to a ruddy hue. But Jim was spellbound by more than the stark beauty of his aroused lover. 

As he moved his hand in the motion that mimicked intimate love, Jim found himself amazed by the feel of Blair's hardness in his hand; astounded to feel him grow and lengthen in response to his touch. Blair's skin felt so soft it was inconceivable that he was simultaneously hard and unyielding. Jim wondered why he was surprised by this. He'd touched himself often enough, after all, and should have known what to expect. But it was somehow very different touching Blair this way and far more personal than it felt to touch a woman. 

Because he couldn't see what his hand was doing below the sleeping bag, Jim let his fingers measure the strokes, quickly learning the pace and pressure Blair desired. Jim was enthralled to discover that by focusing on the tiny movements of his lover's hips, he could anticipate Blair's wants. Responding to an unspoken request, Jim let his fingers slide over the soft head of his lover's sex, marveling at his own reaction to that particular touch. 

Jim had always felt a certain distaste at touching the evidence of his own orgasms, but to his surprise he found himself fascinated at the slide of his finger-pads through the precome that had gathered atop Blair's erection. It had a silky quality his own fluids seemed to lack and it made his fingers tingle. Jim had the sudden urge to lift the hand to his lips and coat them with the satiny seed, but he stifled it. He didn't know exactly how far Blair had gone with those men in his "tests," but Jim didn't want to chance doing something that might disgust his Guide, or take him too far by surprise because it was so new. 

Suppressing a stab of jealousy at the thought of Blair with another man, Jim pushed away his absent thoughts and concentrated on the barely perceptible quivering within the organ he held. Did Jim, himself, quiver like that? Like there was nothing on earth so pleasurable or remarkable? He couldn't remember ever feeling something so exotic when touching himself. 

To keep from over-focusing on his sense of touch, Jim extended his hearing to check on his lover's heart-rate and breathing. Joyfully, Jim listened to the pounding heart and panting breath of the man he loved, allowing himself to experience the thrill of knowing that _he_ was making Blair feel this way. As Jim watched, his Guide's face flushed further and he began making little mewling sounds at the back of his throat. The erotic quality of the soft vocalizations spurred him on in his desire to make Blair his own. 

Unashamed, Blair thrust his hips up, driving himself into Jim's hand, his head moving, now, from side to side in frenzied pleasure. Perhaps this had been a mistake, Jim thought worriedly. He'd needed to touch Blairto touch him in this intimate way, but he hadn't considered the consequence of that action. Blair was too excited. He wouldn't last long enough to make love in this state. Not the way Jim wanted him experience it--with the joy and wonder the act should engender. Not unless he came at least once. It was the only way to eliminate the urgency demonstrated by every nervous twitch of his hands and body. 

"Oh! Jim. You have to stop! I can'tI don't want to. Too soon, Jim!" 

"Shhh," Jim hushed. "It's okay. Trust me." To Jim's surprise, his Guide turned bright and aware eyes upon him and, despite the fact that Jim had not slowed the motion of his hand, spoke clearly and with unhurried conviction. 

"I trust you, Jim. Always." And Blair did. Jim could see it in the depths of his Guide's honest, sea-blue eyes--in the look of utter confidence he wore. A look that bordered on hero-worship. Jim swallowed, suddenly shaken. This was a lot of pressure--an image almost impossible to live up to. Blair trusted Jim to make this wonderful for him and he barely knew what he was doing. 

He did, however, remember his first sexual encounter and the embarrassment of premature ejaculation. Not that that's really what it was. "Premature ejaculation" was a medical condition. What had happened to Jim was simply a case of overwhelming urgency and nerves--the "first time" jitters. He'd almost come, that disastrous first time so long ago, just looking at his young partner's breasts. He had, after all, never seen a woman with all her clothes off before. 

Blair belonged to a far freer generation. Obviously, he had more experience than Jim had had that first time so long ago. But the Sentinel could tell that the same urgent jitters were wracking his Guide, try as he might to hide them. Blair radiated his need and the tiny tremors that were running through his frame threatened to become full-fledged shaking. There was only one way to take the edge off so that they could make love without overwhelming the tightly-wound young man. 

Keeping his gaze locked on Blair's, Jim continued to stroke his panting partner with gentle movements of his hand. In his peripheral vision, he could see his hand moving beneath the sleeping bag, but he did not intend to make his lover self-conscious by openly regarding his genitals as his own first lover had. With Blair covered and still partially dressed, it would be easier for him until his nervous passion was sated. Already he could feel the pulses of Blair's impending orgasm. Blair closed his eyes then, his teeth tightly clamping together. 

"JimI'm gonnaI have to." Blair ground out through gritted teeth. 

"Hush, lover. Just let it happen." Jim burrowed into Blair's curls with his nose and finding an ear, whispered an explanation, "This is just to take the edge off, that's all. The day's barely begun. We have plenty of time. We're gonna make love, Blair. For real. Later. Right now, I just want you to feel comfortable. To pull you back from that place on the edge. Let yourself go, lover. I'm right here with you. Hold on to me and let yourself go." 

While he whispered, Jim nuzzled the bejeweled ear with his nose. He desperately wanted to suck on the lobe--to take the earrings into his mouth and tug them with his teeth--but Blair was over-stimulated enough without this further intrusion. Jim would wait. He could wait until later when Blair was more in control and able to enjoy it. This was for Blair. He had to do it right. He wanted to give his beautiful Guide the consideration Amy Rathfield-Jennings hadn't given him the first time. 

"Oh!" Blair's body stiffened then and, wrapping his arms tightly around the larger body beside him, he cried out as he came, "Jim!!" 

It was very nearly the big man's undoing. Jim felt the thrill of Blair crying his name not just in the pit of his stomach, but all the way down to his groin. He almost came in his pants--something that hadn't happened since he was sixteen--just from hearing his name issue from those luscious lips in the throes of orgasm. 

Unable to help himself, Jim pulled his head back slightly to watch his lover's face. It was turned to the side, a thin sheen of sweat glistening above his upper lip, and as Jim watched, Blair's eyelids fluttered and his mouth fell open in a surprised 'O.' His face seemed to glow with the radiance of pure pleasure. And when Blair caught his breath and turned his gaze on Jim, his eyes were so bright and genuinely trusting that Jim's heart melted. 

Then Blair smiled and the sun seemed to shine within the tent. A moment later, however, the smile faltered and the young man stammered out, "Oh! I forgotyou didn'twhat about you?" 

Jim smiled reassuringly, running a thumb along one of Blair's high cheekbones. "I'm fine, Chief. I can wait." Leaning forward slightly, Jim whispered lasciviously, "And the next time, we'll come together." 

Blair blushed slightly and remarked haltingly, "Youyou don't have to wait. I meanI could do the same for you. You knowbefore weuh, come together." 

Jim tossed his head with a snort, "You're obviously confusing me with a much younger man, Chief." With a slightly self-deprecating grin, the big man continued, "After the 'twenty-something' years things tend to slow down a bit." 

Blair shook his head, his curls spreading out in a halo, "Not you, man. You're, like, the epitome of manhood. If I looked up the word 'virile' in the dictionary, I'd probably find your picture next to it," Blair informed him with conviction. 

Jim was somewhat taken aback by Blair's faith in his sexual prowess. And to his surprise, he found himself unwilling to shake the foundation of this belief. The idea that Blair regarded him as some kind of sexual dynamo appealed to his male pride and made him flush slightly with pleasure as he fumbled with his next words. 

"Ahemuhbe that as it may, I think I'll wait anyway. I've waited too long to have this end quickly. And you're too special to me to make me rush this. Let's take our time. Let me make you happy. Let me make you feel what you should the first time. I'm not good with words like you are, Blair, so let me show you how much I love you." 

Jim didn't realize what he'd said until the words were out of his mouth. At his Guide's quickly indrawn breath, the big man froze, afraid he'd revealed too much, too quickly. But Blair's eyes were shining. "For someone who's not good with words, you sure know the right things to say." 

Jim tried to stop what happened next, but found he was powerless to prevent it. Upon hearing Blair's wordsJim blushed. Not a slight coloring to the cheeks, not the ruddy flush of anger, but a full-fledged, genuine, over-the-top blush. He could feel it, but he was unable to stop it. Mortified, Jim risked a glance at his lover to find him vacillating between gaping in surprise and laughing with delight. 

"I don't believe it. You're blushing!" 

"I am not!" Jim turned his face away in denial. 

"You are! I'm the one who should be blushing here, man. After all, you've done this before." 

"Yeah, but" Jim's voice dropped to an embarrassed whisper, "never with a man." 

Blair regarded him quietly for a moment. "Then in a way," he remarked thoughtfully, "we're both virgins." 

Jim smiled at this, his embarrassment fading. Blair had a way of making everything seem okay. "Yeah," he agreed gratefully, "I guess we are." 

Blair smiled back before he glanced down and made a face. "Ughmaybe I should clean up a little." 

"Oh! Sure." Jim carefully removed his hand before rummaging gracelessly in his pack, fumbling with various items, until he found the travel-size pack of tissues. Pulling out one to wipe his own hand, he turned the rest of the pack over to Blair. Turning slightly to give Blair some privacy, he waited until he heard the sound of cotton on skin. Turning back he found Blair with his shirt pulled half over his head. 

"Don't!" Jim cried before he could stop himself. Blair froze, his eyes blinking owlishly from the neck-hole of his flannel. "I meanI'd like to undress you. That isif you don't mind." 

Blair pulled the shirt back down and smiled shyly. "Oh. Okay. Sure. Uhnow?" 

"We could wait." Jim offered uncertainly. 

"No, no! Now is good. I mean, I'm kinda hotso." 

This wasn't working out quite the way Jim had planned. Instead of making Blair _more_ comfortable, what they'd just done seemed to have had the opposite effect. The intimacy of the moment before had gone, leaving them both feeling more awkward then ever. Jim had to do something. Fast. 

"Umm. You know, on second thought, why don't _you_ take the shirt off." 

"Are you sure?" Blair fiddled with the buttons apprehensively. He seemed, suddenly, unwilling to remove it. The situation was going bad to worse--then Jim had an idea. 

"Or leave it on. Doesn't matter. But I need you to lay on top of the sleeping bags on your stomach." Jim turned to rifle again in his bag. He had just found the small plastic bottle he sought when he realized that Blair's heart was racing. Bottle clutched in one hand, Jim turned back worriedly and regarded his partner. Blair remained just as Jim had left him, but now his eyes were wide, flicking from the white bottle to Jim's face and back again in rapid succession. 

"Uhyou know, Jimnot that I'm chickening out or anything, but I kind of picturedI mean, I thought it would be a little morewhat I mean is, we're going a little fast, don't you think?" Blair stammered haltingly. "After all, we have all day anduhI figurewhat I'm figuring is." 

For a moment, Jim didn't know what his Guide was talking about. Then he recalled his last words and, realizing how they must have sounded to his partner, laughed heartily. Blair just looked at him as if he'd gone crazy. Shaking his head reassuringly, Jim managed to stop laughing long enough to get out, "Blair, calm down! I only want to give you a backrub. I don't have any massage oil, but I figured this would do." Jim held up the bottle of number 5 suntan oil and tried his best not to laugh again. 

Obviously, Blair didn't know him as well as he thought he did. Jim had no intention of doing anything that could potentially hurt his partner, but it was, perhaps, best to break his plans to Blair slowly. His young Guide was spooked enough. There was no telling how he might react to the kind of sexual encounter Jim had in mind for them. 

"Oh. Oh! Of course. A massage. That's great. Good. We can do that. Sure. Okay." Jim tried not to laugh as his partner lay hesitantly face down on the soft nylon, still watching him a little warily. 

Jim moved back to his partner, but paused near his rump. "Blair, this would be easier if I straddled you." Blair tensed. "I won't try anything. Not until you say. I don't want to. Aw, hell! Forget it," said Jim as he uncapped the bottle. "I can manage from here." 

Blair looked over his shoulder. "No. It's okay. Get on top." 

Jim paused, "You sure?" 

Blair nodded, "Yeah, man. Sorry about all that. I guess I'm more nervous than I thought." 

Jim smiled. "I told you that you would be. But you don't have to worry. Nothing's gonna happen until you say. And unless you say. We don't _have_ to do this today. It's important to me that you understand that. Even though you said you wanted to, you can change your mind at any time and I won't be mad or upset. You're in charge, here, Blair. You're calling _all_ the shots, okay?" 

Blair smiled, "Okay," and rested his head on his arms as Jim moved into position, straddling the smaller body and settling his rump on Blair's. 

"Am I too heavy?" 

"No, man. You're fine. I'm tougher than I look, ya know." 

Jim smiled, "I know." 

Pouring some of the oil into a cupped palm, Jim put the bottle aside and rubbed his hands together briskly to warm it. Sliding up Blair's flannel and tee-shirt, he slowly worked the lotion into the soft skin before him. Pressing with the heels of his palms, Jim massaged the worried tension from his lover's smooth back. He could feel the younger man begin to relax as the tightness left his muscles. 

Blair's head was turned to the side, pillowed on his arms, and as his muscles loosened, so did his tongue. "Jim? Your first time." 

"Yes?" 

"Afterward, did you feeldifferent?" 

As he kneaded Blair's shoulders, Jim thought back. He wanted to answer, "No," to let his Guide know that he wouldn't be fundamentally changed by the experience, that he would still be "Blair," but that wasn't true. Jim _had_ felt different after the first time. And Blair needed to know. 

"Yeah. I did." 

"You felt like a real man?" 

Jim frowned. "No. That's not it at all." Blair glanced over his shoulder and Jim realized he was expected to explain. Clearing his throat, Jim worked the small of Blair's back as he reminisced. "It was strange at first. For the first couple of days after I walked around feeling like I had a neon sign on my forehead. Like everyone could tell. Like they'd take one look at me and know what I'd done. Later, I realized that no one suspected a thing, but at first I was _sure_ that it showed. 

"I remember thinking how weird it was that people were just carrying on around me as if nothing had changed. I kept thinking things like, 'How can this person be talking about the weather as if nothing's happened? As if nothing's different?' That wears off after a couple of days, but you _are_ changed. You see yourself differently. Like" Jim paused to consider as he worked his hands over the shoulder blades before him, "like you're part of something bigger now. Just because--just because you've _felt_ it. You feel connected towell _life_ a whole lot more. And I guess because of that you perceive the world a little differently. 

"That must be why people think the first time is a rite-of-passage, like you were talking about yesterday. Like the Cree fisherman feel different after their spear-fishing meditations." 

"You were listening?" Blair sounded surprised. 

Jim smiled, "I always listen to you. Well, almost always. You're easy to listen to 'cause you're so smart." Blair glanced over his shoulder again, looking incredibly pleased by this. "I remember the feeling," Jim continued to cover his embarrassment. "It felt good in an odd way. Not because I felt manly or anything like that, but because I felt so alive, so aware. Colors seemed brighter, music sounded better. Like I said, all that wears off, or you get used to it--I'm not sure which--but for a couple of days you feel really buzzed. It's like a natural high. And you smile. A lot." 

Jim smiled at the memory and he could see that Blair was smiling, too. "Wow. That soundspretty amazing," Blair said distantly. 

"And kind of scary?" Jim deduced questioningly. 

"Wellyeah. But I've participated in a lot of consciousness-raising rituals. This sounds a lot like that." 

Jim nodded thoughtfully in agreement, though Blair couldn't see it from where he lay. "Yeah, it's definitely that, but it's also different because it's so personal. You have to open yourself up to another person and accept their opening up to you. 

"If you can't open yourself, at least a little, then it's not making love. It's just sex. Not that sex isn't fun all by itself, as I'm sure you've been told. It's exciting, exhilarating, liberating--but it's also kind of empty. A little cold around the heart, you know?" Jim tilted his head, his hands pausing in the act of rubbing as he mused over the issue. "It's like what you see in those skin-flicks they rent at the video store," he began and noticed a slight flush on his Guide's one visible cheek at the mention. He let it pass. Curiosity was Blair's middle name, he knew. 

"They only show you sex. Yeah, it can be enticing, but you might as well watch two animals rutting. They don't sell images of people who are in love caring for each other. It's beautiful when that's what it is. And no matter what two people look like, when they're really making love with their whole hearts, they're beautiful, too. You've never seen anyone make love. Well, unless you've been spying on people," Jim joked, smiling at Blair's flushed cheek with teasing suspicion. 

"I would never!" Blair lifted his head in protest and Jim laughed at the seriousness of the indignant denial. 

Seeing that he was being teased, Blair shook his head before again relaxing it onto his arms. "Hey, Jim?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Thanks for telling me. Telling me what to expect." 

Jim felt his own cheeks flush with pleasure and he waited for it to pass before moving off Blair and kneeling at his side. Blair pulled down his two shirts and turned over, his eyes smiling. "Better?" Jim asked, smiling back as he wiped his hands absently on his boxers. 

"Much." 

Jim smoothed a curl back from Blair's brow and let a meditative hand run lightly down the smaller man's chest. He felt his young lover sigh invitingly, but found his thoughts again returning to a bothersome issue that had been lingering persistently in the back of his mind. "Blair, those men you told me about," he began hesitantly, "the ones youtested yourself with." 

Blair looked up apprehensively, "Yeah?" 

"Did you let themtouch you like this?" Jim moved the hand petting his Guide's chest down to run, very gently, over Blair's cotton-covered sex, pausing to seek an answer in his lover's eyes. 

"I." Blair looked away, his face reddening brightly. 

"You did," Jim nodded slowly. Why did that bother him so? After all, Blair had saved his virginity for _him_. Now it upset him that Blair had let another man _touch_ him? That was lunacy! Jim closed his eyes and shook himself, trying to banish the picture that haunted his mind. 

"No, Jim! II let some of them touch me, yeah, but." 

"But?" 

"I was trying to see. I had to know if it was men in general, or maybe just a particular type of man, or if it was some kind of mystical thing between us. You know, what we talked about yesterday. Some kind of Sentinel/Guide thing. Destined to be. It was the only way to know--to know if I could get aroused by other men. But when they touched me, I didn'tI mean, I couldn'tcouldn't." Blair gestured vaguely toward his groin and finished with a shake of his head. 

I couldn't get it up, Jim's mind supplied for him. Blair hadn't said that, of course, because he didn't want to soil such an intimate and tender encounter with coarse words or concepts. How like Blair. But Jim wanted verification that they were talking about the same thing. "So you couldn't" following Blair's lead as he always did, Jim substituted factual terminology for crude euphemism, "get an erection." 

Blair flushed deeper, but he nodded. "Well." Blair stammered a second later, as if something had just occurred to him. 

"What?" 

The younger man shifted uncomfortably before continuing, "Once I did sort ofwhen I let this one guyput his mouth on me." 

Jim tried not to look shocked. 

Blair studied his face carefully for a moment before looking away and continuing, "He was so much like you, Jim. I mean, he was big and handsome. Strong like you are. So I pretended. I know that's awful, but I pretended he was you. And I started to." Blair waved a hand, still not meeting Jim's gaze. "But he looked up at me then, and his facewellit was just wrong! Not like yours at all! And suddenly it was like I understood everything. About you and me, that we were, like, meant to be. 

"I practically knocked him over getting myself away from him as fast as I did. But I had to get out of there. I think I was zipped up and out the door before he knew what hit him. He was pretty pissed-off about it, too." 

Jim started, then frowned and asked, "What do you mean 'pissed-off'?" He could feel his fists clench suddenly at his sides. If some man had hurt his Guide. 

"I mean, by the time he figured out what was happening I was already on the sidewalk, but he came to the window and started shouting stuff at me. It was still early, so there were a lot of people out walking. Parking their cars and stuff. It was pretty embarrassing, them looking from him to me, hearing him shouting awful names at me." 

Jim snorted in disgust and muttered sarcastically, "Sounds like one classy guy." 

Blair looked up quickly, "It wasn't his fault. I had no rightusing him. No one deserves that. I earned every ounce of humiliation I got." Blair sighed in self-disgust, "Needless to say, that was the last time I did anything like that." 

Blair waited, not meeting his lover's eyes, as if for some inevitable condemnation. When it didn't come, he looked up at Jim cautiously, but it was a long moment before the big man spoke. 

"If you ever spot this guy on the street, let me know." 

"Why?" Blair asked fearfully, "What are you gonna do?!" 

Jim smiled, "I'm going to thank him." 

Blair looked confused. "Thank him?" 

"Yeah. If it weren't for him being such a low-class asshole, we wouldn't be here right now. At least, not like this." Jim held Blair gently by the chin and bestowed a soft kiss on the bow-shaped lips. Blair's heartbeat sped up, his muscles stiffening almost audibly to Sentinel hearing. 

Pulling back slightly, Jim looked into the depths of his Guide's eyes. Blair stared back for a moment, then a bright smile spread across his face. When it reached Blair's eyes his irises brightened with such rapidity, they appeared to be back-lit. "Jim, man, you're really something," Blair intoned, eyes glittering as brightly as a turquoise treasure, "Just when I think I've got you all figured out, you go and say something amazing." Blair continued to smile at his lover, happily preoccupied with drinking in his chiseled features, the quirking of his lips. 

Jim smiled, then turned his nose up with mock-indignation. "Are you implying that I'm not _ordinarily_ amazing?" 

Blair laughed happily. "Perish the thought! You, my big tough guy lover, are without a doubt _the_ single most amazing man I've ever met--no. Strike that. You are the single most amazing man on the planet!" Blair raised one eyebrow. "Satisfied?" 

His nose still tilted imperiously, Jim tried to keep from laughing as he sniffed, "I suppose that'll do _for now_." 

Blair snorted, "If this meeting of the Jim Ellison Appreciation Society is finished, I seem to recall you mentioning something about wanting to undress me?" 

Jim's teasing grin faltered and he regarded Blair seriously, studying the bright eyes below his, looking for hesitation, fear, regret. Cerulean eyes gazed steadily back, betraying the nervousness the smaller man felt, but there wasn't even a hint of resignation, consternation, or uncertainty. 

Jim ran his knuckles softly over one of Blair's cheeks and kissed him slowly, lingering over the sweet lips of the man he loved. With his free hand, Jim unbuttoned the flannel shirt before him, then slid it carefully off his Guide's shoulders. Blair shivered. 

Pulling back once again, Jim said softly, "You're trembling, babe. Are you sure you're okay with this? I don't want to do this if you're scared." Blair didn't _appear_ to be afraid, only nervous and anxious, but Jim needed to hear the words before he could let himself continue. 

"Scared?" the young man queried, sounding a bit surprised by the question. "No," he stated emphatically. "At least, this feels nothing like the fear I've experienced when I've tried to do this before. This is more like stage fright. Like I'm an actor who's really excited about being in the spotlight and looking forward to heading out onto the stage, but still has butterflies in his stomach. Not that I'm acting!" Blair hastened to correct himself. "I mean, I'm not trying to imply that you're making me perform or something. That isI'm not saying that you're putting me on the spot or anything." 

Suddenly, Blair covered his face with a hand and shook his head ruefully. "Oh, Jim! I don't know the right things to say, but I'm still sure. If I start to babble or I act a little weird or shy for a while, please know it doesn't mean I've changed my mind or that I don't want you." Blair sighed with self-recrimination and peeked out from between his fingers. "Jim, man, I know I'm really messing this up, just don't be mad, okay? I don't think I could deal with that right now." 

"Mad?" The idea wouldn't have occurred to him. "I'm not mad, Blair." Jim removed Blair's hand from his face and caressed his cheek tenderly, reassuringly. "I'm amazed that we're here togetherlike this." Jim let a feather-like caress drift over Blair's chest and down his flat belly, before pausing to caress him intimately with a light sweep of his fingers. Blair shuddered. 

"I'm astounded that you want me," Jim told his lover huskily and taking one of Blair's hands, he gently placed it on his own chest--wanting Blair to know he had permission to touch him, needing him to know. "I'm astonished by what I see in your eyes," he continued as he gazed lovingly into the liquid depths shining below him. 

"What do you see?" Blair asked in a voice hushed by awe. 

"My destiny," Jim answered simply, but the response made Blair feel, suddenly, that he might begin to cry with hysterical joy. Only the night before, Blair recalled, Jim had denied the existence of destiny. To acknowledge its existence would be to admit that there were aspects of his life that were beyond his control. Greater truths. Deeper meanings. But it suggested, too, that Jim was ready to accept Blair's love no matter what the terms--even at the cost of control over his own life. For a man like James Ellison, a man who prized control like other men prized precious gems, this was tantamount to giving his life, his heart, even his very soul into Blair's keeping. And Blair wanted it; wanted it and would give no less to Jim. 

"Touch me, Jim. Please. Make me yours." 

Jim took Blair's head in his hands and kissed him again, before running the hands beneath the gray tee-shirt. "I'm gonna take this off, baby," Jim whispered, and Blair nodded, raising his arms as the shirt slipped over his head. 

Blair's eyes went to Jim's boxers, the only item of apparel his love was wearing, and glancing down at himself, Jim asked, "You want me to take these off?" 

Blair looked up at Jim in surprise, then somewhat blankly, nodded. Obviously, he hadn't expected Jim to offer. The big man sat up, slipped off his boxers and lay again beside Blair, whose eyes had suddenly focused on a hole in the topmost sleeping bag. As his lover prodded at it with one finger, Jim said softly, "Blair. Look at me." 

Blair looked up into Jim eyes, but the Sentinel gave his head a soft shake. "No, Blair. _Look_ at me. _All_ of me." 

This was far from the easiest moment in Jim's life. He knew, however, that unless Blair was comfortable with his body, he could not be comfortable with making love. This was too important to Jim, too important to Blair, for Jim to allow either of them to go into it with their eyes closed. Unless Blair could look at him, touch him and still want him, Jim would not continue. Could not. He needed to see Blair's reaction now, while he was calm and not overcome with desire. 

Fortunately, Jim had never been overly shy about his own body. The military had seen to that with its communal latrines and showers. Bashfulness did not last long under those conditions and Jim's teenage body-consciousness was turned outward constructively into weight-training and physical fitness, resulting in his now muscular form. It was somewhat more daunting under these circumstances, knowing he was to be evaluated as a potential lover instead of as competition, but he felt the step was necessary in their relationship. Jim didn't want sex between them to become something that was done in the dark with one's eyes tightly shut. 

"Go ahead, lover. See me," the big man whispered, his eyes serious and dark. 

Blair swallowed noisily, then with uncharacteristic slowness, let his eyes travel past Jim's neck and down the hard planes of his hairless chest. Blair drew a visible breath before allowing his eyes to move past Jim's hard abdomen and for the first time, he focused on Jim's sex. 

Blair had been more than a little worried about how he would react to this sight when the time finally came. Because he'd never closely examined another man's sex, he feared he might react somewhat squeamishly at first. And while he felt some trepidation, he was surprised to discover that he was more than a little aroused by the sight. 

Jim was not, as he'd always imagined, unduly large. Instead, he was of normal size for a man of his height and weight. But this fact seemed only to increase Blair's desire, not diminish it. Jim was beautiful without having to rely on size to be impressive. Why had Blair always imagined the man to be hung like a horse? Such images had been more frightening than sexy when Blair had lain awake nights imagining their first encounter. He had secretly feared that Jim would be so large he would not be able to keep from hurting Blair when he was inside him. 

He was still semi-erect, not overly thick and so wonderfully normal Blair felt like rejoicing. As a result of his circumcision, the head of Jim's sex was rosy and smooth. His length curved very slightly just beneath it in a manner Blair found strangely appealing. The hair surrounding the base of his cock was darker than the hair on his head and lay in smooth waves rather than curls as did his own public hair. 

Glancing at his own sex, Blair realized that while he and Jim were about the same size, Blair's own cock _appeared_ to be larger because he was smaller than Jim in stature. So relatively speaking, Blair was better endowed--if such things _could_ be measured relatively, that is. Fascinated by their similarities and differences, Blair returned his focus to Jim's private region and began taking in other details. He could clearly see the dark testicles that lay beyond--no. They didn't 'lay.' They were compact and perfectly rounded, neither larger than the other, and they seemed to cling closely to Jim's body. 

Blair was, as was known by all who'd spent time with him, unusually well-read. What few others knew was that Blair's favorite preoccupation extended beyond academic texts. The young man had read a not inconsiderable amount of erotica in his lifetime and had felt a certain distaste when the novels described the anatomy of the hero in detail. 

For some reason, it was deemed sexy for the main male character to have unusually large testicles that would do things like "swing pendulously" and "weigh heavily" in the hands of his female counterparts. Blair could never understand the allure of such description, but he guessed himself to be in the minority. Perhaps this was the result of some mistaken belief that the larger the balls, the more masculine or wanton the man. 

So it was with no little amount of relief that Blair found his partner to be a living protest to such erroneous beliefs. He very nearly said as much, but at the last moment, bit back the observation. It wasn't likely to be taken in the spirit in which it was given. This, Blair would keep to himself, something to secretly cherish in his heart of hearts. 

It was not until Blair saw his own hand that he realized what he was doing. He had extended it absently as he'd mused, reaching out to touch before he was consciously aware of it. But as he moved to pull his arm back, Jim caught his hand. 

"No. It's okay. Touch me." 

Blair looked up into Jim's eyes. His partner was smiling gently, seeming pleased by his reaction. Jim must have read his thoughts from the expression on his face, Blair realized. Well, not his exact thoughts, but his relief and desire. Smiling silently in return, Blair let his hand extend and cautiously touched his partner. 

He was aware, first, of the softness of Jim's skin. So wonderfully soft! Blair had always known it would be. Jim was hard and rough only externally. Intimately, he would be supple and inviting and Blair smiled now that his suspicion was confirmed. Sliding his hand lower, Blair marveled at the feel of the wavy hair surrounding the base of Jim's cock. It was silky and downy. Blair had assumed the hair there would be coarse and wiry, but it was, instead, satiny and smooth. 

As he touched his lover, Jim's erection lengthened slightly, hardening a bit more, and the flesh took on a ruddy peach that fascinated Blair. He looked up into Jim's face to find him trying desperately not to pant, not to move his hips in reaction to Blair's explorations. He wanted Blair to be able to examine him, at least at first, without feeling the need to arouse. Grasping Jim's motivations at last, Blair smiled. 

Without taking his eyes from Jim's, Blair reached down and slid off his own sweatpants. Jim couldn't suppress an amused grin at the courageous gesture and he reached out to cup Blair's chin. "I've already seen you, lover. I let my hands show me your body the first time I touched you." 

Looking into Jim's eyes, Blair let out a slightly startled, "Oh!" before smiling shyly. It was true, of course. Jim _had_ mapped Blair's sex with his hand. Still, there was no substitute for sight in such matters, even for a Sentinel. But Jim didn't want Blair to feel as if he had to "pass inspection" to be loved. 

Jim carded his fingers through his lover's soft curls, petting his head tenderly until the shyness passed. When it did, Blair raised a hand and, for the second time today, touched Jim's lips. This time, however, Jim gave in to his desire and sucked the digits into his mouth. Blair gasped, and Jim watched with delight as the younger man's eyes fixed on the movement of his fingers--seeming hypnotically fascinated by the way they slid in and out of Jim's mouth. Pulling the fingers from his mouth, Jim kissed each one in turn, before taking his Guide's lips with his own. 

They lingered over the kiss, Jim's tongue tingling uncharacteristically wherever Blair's touched it. Jim let his mind swim in the pleasure of kisses that seemed almost magical in their effects upon him, but it wasn't until Blair pulled back to smile down at Jim through a frame of unruly curls that the Sentinel realized that kissing Blair had somehow affected his equilibrium. Startled to find Blair above him, Jim gazed up in slight confusion as his senses informed him that he was flat on his back. Hadn't he been leaning over _Blair_ only a moment before? 

"You okay, lover? You're not zoning on me, are you?" Blair was tracing patterns on Jim's chest with an idle finger and smiling gently down from where he was propped up on one arm, laying comfortably beside him. 

Jim shook his head to clear it. "No. I'm okay. I think I just!" 

Jim never finished the sentence. Blair's doodling finger had moved to one of Jim's nipples and it was now circling the small nub in a slow, methodical motion. Liking Jim's reaction to this stimulation, Blair lowered his head and ran his tongue around one nipple, lingering to swipe at the tiny goosebumps that rose around the outer edge of the areola in response. Jim moaned in appreciation of this action and Blair kissed lower, making a crooked path of kisses down his chest. Jim almost shouted when Blair paused to nibble on his abdominal muscles. 

This was so different. Different from being touched by a woman. Blair was freer with his body; rougher in a masculine kind of way. It was all so thrilling, so marvelously new, that even the gentle scrape of his Guide's morning stubble aroused him. Then Jim felt the head of his sex engulfed by the warmth of his lover's mouth and reality tilted yet again. 

How could he have thought Blair was rough? The man was so gentle, kissing and sucking with such sweetly tender turns of his mouth and tongue that Jim had to fight to keep still and not spoil the moment by thrusting up violently. Despite the fact that Blair was a novice at this kind of love, he was graceful and tender. And even though he'd not attempted to take Jim further than his mouth, his movements were so erotic Jim could barely restrain himself. It was then that he made the mistake of looking down. Seeing the head of his erection slipping in and out of Blair's lips was very nearly his undoing. 

"Blair! Stop, baby." 

Blair raised his head and looked at Jim a little apprehensively. "You don't like it?" 

"God, Blair." Jim let his head fall back against the sleeping bags below him. "I like it. I like it _too_ much." 

"Oh!" Blair sounded incredibly pleased with himself. Glancing down at his lover, Jim took in the self-satisfied smirk and glittering eyes of the cat who'd swallowed the canary. Deciding his Guide was simply _too_ self-impressed for his liking, Jim pulled the man into his arms, rolled them quickly over to pin his young lover beneath him and glared down with an amused scowl. Had Jim thought about the teasing action before-hand, he wouldn't have done it. He would have worried that the dominating move might frighten his inexperienced young lover. So it was with great relief that he found no fear in Blair's eyes. He looked a little surprised, but he was smiling with quiet amusement. 

"You enjoy making me crazy, don't you?" Jim mock-sneered. 

"You don't need _my_ help," Blair snorted in a dead-pan. 

Jim growled, "Is that so? Well, let's just see if I'm as good at driving _you_ crazy as I am myself." 

Blair had just enough time to raise his eyebrows before Jim attacked his shoulder, nibbling his way up toward Blair's left ear. Blair tilted his head back and softly moaned. But when Jim bit gently on the downy neck, Blair whispered, "Oh, yes, Jim. There. Right there!" He spoke so quietly and absently, Jim doubted his Guide was even aware he was speaking aloud. Liking the idea, Jim sucked harder on the feast of flesh before him, delighted when Blair tilted his head back further and moaned and whispered--whispered and moaned. 

Blair was giving him soft directions now, telling him where to bite and how hard; saying how much he liked it; what it was doing to him. He should have known his Guide would be a "talker." After all, the man talked almost constantly. Why was he surprised he spoke _unconsciously_ when he was aroused? Jim reveled in the sound of his Guide's vocalizations, tinged, as they were, with the roughness of desire. As he sucked and nibbled, Jim gave half his attention over to his Guide's voice; letting the younger man's words fuel his own desire. 

"So hard for youso hard for you, Jim. Never been this hard for anyoneever." The words went straight to Jim's cock; not just because they were sexy, though they were, but because he knew them to be true. Blair could no more manage dishonesty in this state than he could sprout wings and fly. 

"Want you, Jim," Blair whispered as Jim nibbled on his snowy neck, "Want you now." 

Ahyes! Jim thought at hearing those words, letting them carry him away, arouse him to yet a higher level. So good to hear those words--so wonderful to know he was desired by the one he'd dreamed about for so very long. 

"Gods!" Blair intoned lustfully. "Waited so longso long. Love you so much, Jim. Love you so much it hurts." 

Jim moved to Blair's ear. Taking the lobe he'd fantasized about on so many lonely nights into his mouth, he sucked gently. The smaller man nearly levitated off the sleeping bags and as he cried out he grasped Jim's shoulders in a bruising grip. Jim was enthralled. This action seemed to arouse Blair as much as it did him. It was more than he'd dreamed possible. Using his teeth, Jim tugged softly on the three silver earrings and his lover began to thrash, almost beside himself with need. 

"Want you _now_!" Blair softly cried, clutching at Jim desperately. "Please! Tell me what to do!" 

"Move down between my legs, lover," Jim whispered into the ear he had been worrying as he shifted aside to let Blair up. "Move down and kneel for me." 

For a long moment Blair remained still, seemingly attempting to wrap his lust-filled mind around the meaning of Jim's directive. Jim listened to his panting, concerned, yet again, by how Blair would react to the encounter he had planned for them. When his breathing began to slow, Blair turned his head to look at Jim with confusion. "Um. Thenhow are you gonna." Blair broke off, suddenly too bashful even to say the words. 

Jim smiled gently, "I'm not." 

"But I thoughtwhen you said we were gonna make love for real, I thought you meant." 

"I did. But not the way you think. This is your first time, Blair. I want you to experience it the way you should. I want you to feel that connection we talked about--that feeling you get only when you're inside a lover." 

"Youyou mean you want me to." 

"Yes, Blair. I want _you_ to make love to _me_." 

"I can't!" 

Jim tilted his head. "Why not?" 

"Becausebecause." Blair stammered. Unable to come up with a logical response, he could only shake his head in confusion. "I don't know. I just thoughtyou know, that you wouldwell, since you know the ropes and all, I thought you'd go first and, like, teach me." 

"That's not the way it would be if you were with a woman. Not even the first time. You have to take charge. At least physically. You have to move inside _her_ , bring _her_ pleasure before you succumb to your own. You have to run the show. You learn by doing. It's a little overwhelming, butit's wonderful, too. It's a special experience, Blair. I want you to have that." 

Blair just stared at him wide-eyed, jaw working silently. Finally, he shook himself out of his stupor and swallowed noisily. "Ookay, Jim. If you're sure." 

Blair looked like he might pass out. 

Hoping a little honesty would calm his lover, Jim ran a thumb over one of Blair's high cheekbones and whispered, "I'm nervous, too, Blair. I've never done this before. I have no idea what to expect. I don't know what I'll feel. It's like you said before: in a way, we're both virgins. You're giving me something very special, Blair. I want to give something back. Please, lover, let me give you this." 

As Blair slowly digested this, his heartbeat slowed significantly. The sentiments Jim had expressed seemed to be calming the younger man. Jim watched, delighted, as Blair finally nodded and smiled shyly. Jim beamed back. He'd known his lover would be brave enough to make love in this way and to embrace the encounter with his whole heart. Unlike Jim's painful embarrassment his own first time, Blair might make it through this unscathed, with only sweet memories to help carry him through life. 

"You really _do_ love me, don't you?" Blair had said the words in a mutter, to himself, but Jim decided to answer nonetheless. He wanted no doubts between them. 

"More than you'll ever know, my love." Pulling Blair's hand to his lips, Jim kissed the palm tenderly, closing Blair's fingers around it and turning the hand into a fist. "That's to keep with you. For when you forget how much you're loved. When you feel yourself forgetting, you can take it out and hold it to your heart. That way, you'll never really forget. No matter what." 

For a moment, Jim thought his lover was going to cry. "I knew it," Blair stammered. "I knew it would be right with you." 

The words had such conviction behind them, Jim had to smile. "It's you, baby. You make everything right. You make _us_ right." 

Blair closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm ready, now. Tell me what to do." 

"Move down, babe. Kneel where I told you. I'll do the next part." 

Trembling, Blair opened his eyes and moved into the indicated position, waiting for Jim to direct him further. He seemed stunned when Jim lifted himself and settled his bottom on Blair's shaking knees. Passing down the tube, Jim whispered, "Get me ready, lover. Stretch me like you said. Do whatever you need to. I trust you." 

Blair took the tube nervously, fumbling as he uncapped it. With a shaking hand, he coated his length, then squeezed some onto his fingers before looking up at Jim quickly. Jim nodded seriously, wanting Blair to see in his eyes the certainty he felt in his heart. 

Blair swallowed, then reached a hand down to Jim's center. The Sentinel forced himself not to flinch when the first finger made contact. Blair didn't need any more pressure. Giving his lover a quick smile of reassurance, Jim closed his eyes and rested his head back, hoping Blair would feel more comfortable if he wasn't under scrutiny. 

Clearly, this was the right decision, for the moment Jim lay his head back, he felt the fingers begin to move with surety, swirling in tiny circles over his opening. Blair was touching him with ease, running the show almost without fear, judging from the steadiness of his hand. Jim felt himself smile with pride at his lover's bravery. Jim had not been nearly so calm his own first time. Perhaps it was trust that made all the difference, Jim mused. If only he'd felt that for his own first lover, things might have gone very differently. Pondering this, Jim relaxed into the touch, wanting Blair to know his trust was returned in equal measure. 

When Blair's slick finger entered him, however, Jim was unable to stifle his gasp. Blair's hand stilled immediately and Jim opened his eyes. He gave his lover a reassuring nod, before he again closed his eyes and willed his body to relax. It was a bit difficult to relax with the finger moving inside him, stretching at his entrance and sinking slowly deeper. Jim had never felt anything quite like it. No one had ever touched him inside his body before--no, that wasn't true. He'd been given plenty of medical exams in the Army and military doctors were nothing if not thorough. But no one had ever touched him _like this_ ; touched him inside with want or desire. It wasstrange, but not really unpleasant, as he'd expected it would be. 

Feeling reassured by this discovery, Jim sighed and allowed his body to open to Blair; to the man who loved him as no other ever would. He didn't even tense up when Blair removed the finger only to return with two. Blair was so gentle with him. Almost too gentle. Jim was no powder puff. He could stand up to much more than this without even breaking a sweat. So to encourage his lover, Jim braced his feet on either side of Blair's thighs and lifted himself slightly, pushing back against the fingers inside him. 

Blair took a slightly startled breath at this motion, but he didn't stop. And when he removed his hand this time, Jim anticipated his next move. When Blair returned to stretching him with three fingers, Jim was ready for it and did not allow himself even a gasp--though it was slightly more difficult to relax into three fingers. 

Blair again removed his hand and when Jim felt no further intrusion, he opened his eyes to find Blair immobile, simply staring down at the place he'd been touching. "Babe?" Blair's head snapped up. "Am I ready?" 

"Uh. Ithink so." Blair looked dazed and when Jim handed him a tissue, he took it automatically, then simply sat staring at it blankly, as if unsure what to do with it. Jim smiled at him gently, relieved his lover of the slippery tube, then made wiping motions with his hand before pointing at the tissue. Blair started, then nodded his understanding before rapidly cleaning his hand. 

When he'd finished, his eyes darted back and forth in confusion. Obviously, Blair was trying to decide where an appropriate place would be to deposit a used Kleenex. Jim's heart went out to his nervous lover and reaching down, he took the balled-up tissue with one hand as he caught Blair's hand with his other. Jim held his lover's hand gently, just stroking the knuckles with his thumb. Blair sighed at the action, calmed visibly, then raised his eyes from their clasped hands. 

"JimI don't really know what I'm doing," Blair whispered, Sentinel-soft. 

"Neither do I, but I guess I have the easy part. I mean, I don't think I'm supposed to just lie here, but at least I know I could. You'll have to do all the work." At Blair's look of apprehension, Jim hastened to continue, "Once you're inside, you just need to start moving. You'll know you're moving the right way if it feels good. That's what this is all about, Blair. Not just giving and receiving pleasure, but _sharing_ pleasure. And don't ever let anyone tell you differently. When we're loving each other just right, you'll know." 

"How will I know?" 

"Because you'll forget where you end and I begin. It'll feel like we're one person, one body, one soul. You'll know what I want before I tell you and I'll move just the way you want me to without your ever having to say a word. That only happens when it's just right, Blair. That only happens when it's love." 

"Then it'll happen that way for us," Blair said with wide-eyed certainty. 

"Don't lose hope if it doesn't happen the first time, baby. I told you how that could be. It might take a little practice. It might not happen like that until." 

"Until we get good at. I know," Blair finished, but he gazed at Jim confidently, seeming so certain it would be just right between them from the very start that Jim's heart swelled. 

"I love you, Blair." 

"And I'll never love anyone but you, Jim." Blair moved forward slightly, holding himself with one hand. Poised at Jim's entrance, Blair hesitated as if waiting for a silent signal. 

"Blair?" 

"Yes, my love?" 

"After you start justjust hold my hand. Hold it tight, okay?" Jim struggled to keep the nervous tension from his voice, but Blair must have heard it, for he soothed the larger man with soft words and strokes along his flanks. 

"It's all right, lover. We're in this together. Whatever happens, our love won't change. If this isn't good for one or both of us, we'll figure out other ways to love. After all, it's a world of infinite possibilities, right?" 

Jim smiled, feeling his body relax, responding to Blair's certainty, his love. "It is when the world has someone like you in it. Do it, lover. Do it now. Make me yours." And Blair did. Moving forward with the utmost care, he guided himself with a hand that trembled only slightly, into his waiting lover. 

At first, he thought he wouldn't fit, so tight was the space he tried to enter. But by applying a tiny bit of pressure with his hips, he was past the tight ring of muscle and sliding unimpeded smoothly into his lover's depths. 

His breath caught in his throat. It was so hot, so tight. Jim had told him it would be--had told him what to expect. But nothing could have prepared him for the reality of being inside Jim. There were no words--no means of expression that could accurately describe the sensation. No lover's hand had ever been so sweet. No lover's mouth could compare. He was being squeezed so tightly Blair thought he might suffocate, regardless of the fact that his lungs had little to do with the placement of his cock. 

Blair had closed his eyes at the onset, but now he opened them and looked down at their connection, amazed anew to actually _see_ himself fully sheathed within Jim's body. It was almost too much for him to believe. But it was real! He was doing it! He was making love at last. He was loving the one person who would never leave him, would always love him and who needed him above all others. Drawing a shuddering breath, Blair forced his eyes from the provocative sight and looked across at Jim, needing to know how the big man was reacting to their love-making. 

Jim was watching him, but he wore an expression Blair had never seen before. He looked entranced, amazed, yet at the same time, so deeply serious his eyes were haunting. Jim had been right. This was so personal it had drawn them out of themselves and Blair wondered if his own expression mirrored his lover's. Jim's mouth hung open slightly and his chest heaved, but his brows were furrowed as if he, too, could scarcely believe the moment was real. He was so open, unguarded, Blair feared he would begin to sob. 

It was not simply astounding to see Jim this way, it was arousing beyond anything Blair had ever experienced. Jim lay emotionally bared before him, holding nothing back, hiding nothing. For a moment, Blair feared he would be overwhelmed by it; that he would somehow disappear into Jim's body and disintegrate completely. Jim must have seen the flicker of fear, for he reached out a hand, then, and Blair took it gratefully, letting Jim's touch soothe him and hold him in the here and now. And when Jim spoke, Blair's fears vanished entirely. 

"Time to move, baby. Time to move inside me. Don't worry. You can't do it wrong. Not with me. Not with the one who loves you." 

Blair took a shaky breath and nodded. Then looking down as if to be sure he moved correctly, he pulled out slightly and pushed forward experimentally. Jim grunted and Blair looked up quickly. "Jim?" 

The big man was frowning. "I think." 

"What, Jim? Should I stop?" 

Jim shook his head. "NoI think I need to turn over." 

Blair nodded, happy to agree to anything that would make Jim more comfortable. "Should I." 

"No. Don't pull out. Just move with me, baby." 

Blair found himself nodding, though he wasn't entirely sure he understood how to comply with that request. But a second later, Jim swung one leg over their point of connection and, keeping his rump raised, twisted his body around until he was on all fours. It was, perhaps, the most incredible sensation that Blair Sandburg would ever experience. Jim's internal muscles seemed to grasp his cock and twirl it, pulling the skin with it sideways and actually caressing every inch of his length in an intimate clock-wise motion. Unable to keep from gasping, Blair stilled and lowered his head, afraid he would come and ruin everything. 

"You okay, baby?" Jim was on all fours, but looking back over his shoulder, concern written on his face. 

"Yeah," Blair choked out, "I just almost." 

"Sports scores." 

"What?" Blair looked up in confusion. 

"Try to remember the scores from the last ten Jag's games in order. Or picture the last murder scene we worked on. That one always works for me." 

Blair looked appalled. "UhI think I'll try that sports thing," he muttered. 

Jim rumbled laughter, but nodded. He gave Blair a moment to collect himself as he adjusted to the new position, then said, "Okay. I think I'm ready to try this again. How are the Jag's doing?" 

"Losing streak, man. But I think I'm ready, too." 

A smile in his voice, Jim agreed, "Yeah. Always works better when they're having a rotten season." 

Jim seemed to be having a good time, Blair mused. He sounded care-free and amused in that "just glad to be alive" kind of way. Blair wasn't feeling that. At least, not yet. Perhaps he _would_ need more practice before everything was just right. This notion saddened him. It was so right between them, he'd been certain it would be right even in intimacy. But he was jumping the gun. He had yet to move significantly inside Jim. This could still work out if he managed to do it properly. Centering himself mentally, Blair concentrated on moving with slow and steady grace and was pleased to hear Jim moan desirously. 

Jim had not adjusted his dials. He'd needed to know exactly what Blair would feel when their positions were reversed. He would never be able to do this to Blair otherwise. Maybe it was a Blessed Protector thing. Whatever the reason, Jim had needed to evaluate the experience before he could risk causing his lover pain. It was, therefore, a great surprise to discover there wasn't any. 

There was discomfort, yes, but no pain. None at all. Strange. After all, it was _supposed_ to hurt, wasn't it? Jim couldn't recall exactly where he'd acquired that bit of information, but he was sure he remembered hearing that this act was, at least in the beginning, ordinarily quite painful. 

When Blair had moved the first time, Jim's discomfort had increased. He wasn't sure how he knew he was in a position that didn't _work_ for him, but he was suddenly certain that if he changed his placement it would be more pleasurable, or at the very least, more tolerable. 

But when he turned over it wasn't just better, it was so much better he found himself smiling. And when Blair thrust into him again, he gasped anew--this time with unexpected pleasure. There was still some discomfort, but Blair was touching a place inside him that made him feel so good, the slight discomfort was not only overshadowed, but very nearly blocked from his awareness. 

With every thrust, Blair's cock massaged him inside, making him moan and press back against his lover. It actually felt as if he were jerking off from the inside out. The sensation was unusual, but wonderful too. And though his erection had waned somewhat at the onset, he now found that the more Blair thrust, the harder he grew. Suppressing the need to come immediately, Jim looked over his shoulder to see how his lover was holding up. Blair's eyes were closed and he had a look of such intense concentration on his face, Jim couldn't bear to disturb him. He only hoped Blair found this as pleasurable as he did. 

_*Thrust*_

To Blair, this didn't just feel good, it felt _too_ good. So good that Blair could barely breathe, but found he didn't much care. Was it like this with women, too? So hot and tight andGods! Would he survive it, or would he burn up before it was over? Even now he could feel himself turning to cinders. And the feeling wasn't simply in his cock. It traveled up into his belly, permeating his insides, consuming his blood, sinew and bone. It encompassed his body, surrounded and drew him out of himself. 

* _Thrust_ * 

Blair had _known_ it would feel good, but this! It was beyond anything he had ever imagined. His head swam and there existed only this pleasure, this need. And it grew. Grew and blossomed and consumed all awareness of time and place. He was away from the forest, away from the tent, away from it all. Floating in a place where only he and Jim existed. It was like an out-of-body experience. Blair wasn't simply inside of Jim with his cock, he was inside of him completely, feeling with him, seeing, smelling, tasting, hearingfor a moment, he knew what it was to _be_ Jim. 

_*Thrust-thrust*_

"Yes! Like that, my love. My beautiful love." 

Jim's voice. Saying he was beautiful. And for a moment, Blair _was_ beautiful. He believed it. He felt it. It was okay to be beautiful and see himself that way. Blair was astounded. He'd always thought, deep down where no other would ever trespass, that he was unattractive, lacking, even crippled. In the place where he hid his deepest fears, Blair felt that he was somehow undeserving. 

Yet, for one everlasting moment Blair felt his beauty and reveled in it. He moved his hands and they orchestrated a symphony. He rolled his hips and it was a graceful dance within Jim's body. He moaned and the sound was song. He could do no wrong. He was beautiful, loved, deserving, magical. He was, for that one moment, totally and completely happy. 

_*Thrust-thrust*_

And suddenly Blair knew--knew without being told--that Jim wanted to be touched. He wanted to be stroked while Blair thrust into him--hard. Moving his hand where Jim needed it, Blair encased his lover's cock in a tight fist, listening with delight as Jim cried out and thrust into his hand. And when Blair pushed forward again, Jim thrust back against him--and it was exactly what Blair wanted, though he had not been aware of it himself. Blair rejoiced as they came together again and again in glorious counterpoint. It was like a dance. An erotic ballet, with the two star performers moving in perfect harmony, their every move replete with meaning, as if they spoke some silent language all their own. 

With every touch of his gentling hands, Blair said, "I love you." With each movement of his hips, Jim answered, "Our love was meant to be." Running his free hand across the planes of Jim's chest, Blair told his lover how much he was cherished, that he belonged in Blair's arms, held forever in the embrace of love. 

_*Thrust-thrust*_

"Harder, baby! Oh, God, Blair, harder, please!" Jim cried, lost in their shared pleasure, and the words ripped the last of Blair's conscious thoughts from his mind. 

* _Thrust!* *Thrust!* *Thrust!*_

Blair couldn't have spoken coherently at this point if his life had depended on it. And though he could no longer think, only experience, he wouldn't open his eyes, fearing instinctually that sight might make the magic disappear. He wanted it to go on for all eternity, to drink of Jimto drown in Jimto die in his arms. 

* _Thrust!* *Thrust!* *Thrust!*_

Jim was right. It wasn't just sex. He was giving Jim his heart with every thrust. Pushing it into him, surrendering himself in his entirety, and he let himself. After all these years, he let his soul pour out of him, giving it willingly to another. He could feel it moving into Jim, and when his lover cried out, "Oh, God! Blair!" he knew Jim could feel it too. 

* _Thrust!* *Thrust-thrust!* *Thrust!* *Thrust-thrust!*_

Control deserting him at last, Blair's hips pistoned as his mind went to another place and he came--came harder than he'd ever come in his life. He felt his body trembling with the strain and it seemed the tremors would never end as he cried out and surrendered his life-force to Jim. 

Concluded in part three.


	3. Chapter 3

Due to length, this story has been split into three parts.

## Final Frontier

Rainy Day

Author's homepage: <http://members.aol.com/rainy1666/page/index.htm>

* * *

Final Frontier - part three  
By Rainy Day 

Jim Ellison had made love many times in his life and in many different ways. But nothing had prepared him for this. It was more than the incomparable pleasure of the physical act, for something had happened to Jim while they were making love. Something unexpected. Something wonderful. The part of him that was broken had somehow been repaired by Blair's love. The fact that Jim had not known he was broken did nothing to diminish the grandness of all he could feel now that he was set to rights inside. 

Jim had meant all he'd said about how wonderful it could be when it was right--when it was love. He'd experienced this, however briefly, with Carolyn. But somewhere deep down, Jim hadn't really believed it would happen this way between Blair and him. He'd simply not believed that he could open up enough to love Blair with his whole heart. His fears wouldn't let him, he realized. 

For the third time this weekend reality tilted and Jim flashed on his childhood home where he had watched his mother pack--on Peru and the friends he'd watched die in the flaming helicopter wreckage--on the day he'd been torn from the bosom of the people he'd come to love in the lush green of the magical jungle. Then time jumped ahead like a video-tape on fast-forward and he saw Carolyn's lawyer serving him the divorce papers. It had been all the things that had come before that had set his marriage up for disaster, almost before it had begun. 

Casting his mind back to his childhood again, Jim found he could now remember more than his mother's flight. He could also recall his father's reaction to it--if one could even call it that. In his mind's eye Jim saw his mother clearly, suitcase in hand, stopping before the open door of her husband's office, waiting for some flicker, as if for some closure; waiting to be chased after, or even bid farewell. His father, however, simply remained seated at his desk, making out the monthly bills as if it were just an ordinary day, refusing to acknowledge his wife's leaving. Refusing to acknowledge it so it couldn't hurt him. 

And at the tender age of five, little Jimmy had watched and learned. 

Jim had learned to withhold himself, unconsciously preparing for the emotional pain of loss. He saw now that his instinct to protect himself had held him back from fully giving himself to Carolyn. What wasn't surrendered couldn't be destroyed. It was what Blair would have called "an abandonment issue." Jim had learned the behavior early; had learned to wall up his heart; had learned how to keep even those he most cherished from potentially doing him harm. 

Jim had talked himself into believing that he was helping Blair overcome his fear of physical intimacy. It wasn't Blair's fear that was the real issue, however, but his own. Blair loved him, had _made_ love to him with his whole heart. But it wasn't until the very end that Jim, too exhausted to fight himself any longer, truly gave in to love and returned Blair's feelings with a heart now made whole. 

The very thing he'd most feared--the reason he'd not chanced love with Blair and had been content to think of the man as a love-'em-and-leave-'em womanizer--was the cause of his redemption. Ironic. Jim had believed that if he gave himself to Blair and was deserted by him, what little was left of his heart would shatter. Instead, by giving himself to Blair--by taking a chance on love--his heart had been healed. 

Amazed, Jim turned these thoughts over and over in his mind until the weight above him finally began to impede his breathing. Pushing away the absent musings, Jim turned his attention to his silent partner. As he'd come, Blair had collapsed above him, driving them both flat against the sleeping bags while he shook and shuddered. He lay atop Jim still, and had he not occasionally made little movements and sounds, Jim might have feared the man had passed out. 

Very gently, Jim rolled Blair off and onto a relatively clean area of their sleeping bags. Briefly, Jim flashed on the look he'd receive from his dry-cleaner when he brought in the soiled bags and the image brought with it far more amusement than the idea warranted. The Jim Ellison of yesterday would have tossed them out and simply bought new ones. But today's Jim Ellison felt a nostalgic attachment to the soft items on which they had first loved. And Blair had thought _he'd_ be the one changed by their intimacy! 

Pulling Blair into his arms, Jim gently stroked his head. Blair sighed contentedly and burrowed into his chest, as if he expected to be able to crawl inside Jim's very skin. He couldn't seem to get close enough. Grunting his annoyance, Blair opened his eyes with a lazy flutter of lashes, looked up at his lover and smiled shyly. A post-coital Blair was a sight to behold. His skin was still blotchy with the flush of love, his hair a tangled mess. He was sweaty and sticky, the usually soft fur on his chest matted together in damp clumps. 

Jim didn't think he'd ever looked more beautiful. 

"Hi." So softly spoken, so very quiet. So unlike Blair. 

"Hi, lover," Jim whispered back, and taking Blair's chin in hand, bestowed upon him a long, deep and passionate kiss. He wanted Blair to know that loving between them was not something only to be done in bed when their desire was piquing, but could also render reassurance, express happiness and point two hearts toward love. 

When Jim pulled back to gaze into his lover's eyes, Blair's chest was heaving, not with desire, but with emotion. Running his knuckles softly over Blair's cheek, Jim asked quietly, "Was it what you'd hoped it would be?" 

Swallowing, Blair shook his head. "No. It was so much more. It was like nothing I'd ever imagined. If not for that, I'd think this was all a dream." 

"Well, if it is then we're both having the same dream. And I for one hope we never wake up." Jim gave his lover another gentling kiss, then rested his forehead against Blair's while petting his damp curls. 

"Now you're mine. I've made you mine," Blair said distantly, disbelief making his voice quaver oddly. 

Pulling back slightly, Jim smiled, "I hope you're not experiencing some weird form of buyer's remorse, here, Chief." 

"No way, man," said Blair, and smiling mischievously raised a cocky eyebrow. "You were worth every penny!" 

Jim scowled faintly at the implication, obviously just as Blair had intended. Guess I set myself up for that one, Jim thought, and aloud remarked, "What, are you planning on renting me out weekends?" 

"Never! No deposit, no return. You're all mine." 

"I guess I can live with that," Jim sniffed magnanimously. 

"You'd better!" Blair warned with a smile. 

Tucking a stray curl behind his Guide's ear, Jim told him, "I can't think of any way I'd rather spend my life, babe." 

Blair flushed slightly and fidgeted momentarily before speaking again. "Soumwas Idid I." 

"What, baby?" 

Blair cleared his throat and looked away self-consciously as he asked, "Was Iany good? Or at least, okay?" 

Jim looked at Blair in amazement, trying desperately not to laugh. Blair had obviously seen one too many movies wherein the love scene ended with one of the characters asking something ridiculous like, "So, darling, was it good for you, too?" 

"Blair, if I said you were okay it would be a lie, because you were so much better than okay it's not even funny." 

Blair looked up at him disbelievingly. "You're just saying that," he accused with a 'don't patronize _me_ ' frown. 

"I am not!" Jim responded indignantly. "If I could lend you my Sentinel hearing right now, I would. Then you could listen to my heartbeat and _know_ I'm telling the truth." 

"So..." 

So help me, Jim thought with exasperated amusement, if he says "So was it good for you, too?" I'll put him across my lap and spank him silly. Hmm. That idea has possibilities. 

"So you liked it? I didn't hurt you or anything?" 

"Blair, I'm feeling a lot of things right now, but hurt is _not_ one of them." 

"What _are_ you feeling?" 

Jim thought about that for a second before answering, "Saved." 

"'Saved'?" Blair frowned. 

"Yeah. You know how some people go to those revival meetings and afterward they feel like they've been saved? Like they've seen the face of God?" 

"Yeah." A hushed whisper. 

"I feel like that, only it wasn't God, but your love that saved me." 

"Whoa." Blair's eyes grew large. "You know, that might be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me." 

Smiling, Jim snorted, "Actually, it's not so much like a church revival as it is a cult. I've been indoctrinated into the Blair-Love cult as one of your disciples." 

Blair tried to look affronted. "Are you trying to say I've brain-washed you with my sexually-seductive, heathenistic bohemian ways?" 

"That's it exactly!" Jim crowed laughter. Damn, but he felt good. "I may need extensive deprogramming," he added in a conspiratorial whisper. 

"Oh, no, you don't!" Blair chided, joining in. Jim's playful mood was infectious. "No one escapes the Blair-Love Commune!" 

"Ah!" Jim remarked wisely, "Kinda like Stalag 13, huh?" 

Blair laughed, "You got it! Ve haf vays of dealing vith dose who vould dare defect." 

This sounded promising, Jim thought, chuckling inwardly at his lover's overacting. "Mmm. Tell me about these ways, lover," Jim purred and nuzzled his Guide's neck. 

"Uh." Suddenly, Blair found it strangely difficult to concentrate. "I'lluhhave to consult the sacred texts." 

" _The Joy of Gay Sex_?" Jim guessed in a seductive whisper, "Or _The Gay Kama Sutra_?" 

"Hey! That's a good idea, man!" 

Jim paused in his Blair-nuzzling. Pulling back slightly he took in the look on his Guide's face with horror. "Oh, God. You're serious." If Jim lived to be a hundred he could go the entire time _without ever_ looking at pictures of other men having sex and never miss it. In fact, he would insist upon it. If he could. But Blair had that look on his face. The look he got when he'd unexpectedly sunk his teeth onto something anthropologically juicy and wasn't about to let go. Shit. 

"Yeah! We really need a guide, man. Right now we're flying blind." 

"Blair, it was great between us. It was perfect! You've already researched the important stuff. We don't need any more help than that. We can just do what comes naturally. I mean, everything's worked out fine so far, hasn't it?" 

"Well, yeah. But I know there are ways to make it even better. I've done _some_ research, but this requires in-depth study. Maybe some books with diagrams and pictures and stuff. We really need to read up on the issue." 

Jim sighed, acknowledging defeat before the war began. Only the proverbial fool would attempt to come between Blair and his research. And, after all, his Guide had a point. If reading chewing gum wrappers would help him love Blair better, Jim would buy a crate of Juicy Fruit. "Okay. When we get back home we'll buy some books." 

Blair tried to picture Jim in a gay-erotica bookstore, but the image was just too incongruous to be believable. "You mean _I'll_ buy the books and you'll read 'em only if I make you." 

Jim frowned, but answered seriously, "I would have meant that yesterday, but today everything means something else." 

Blair tried to sort through that, but kept getting lost just after 'yesterday.' "How's that again?" 

"I mean that today I. Blair, do you feel different? Like we talked about?" 

Blair took stock. "Yeaaah," he said slowly. "I feel kind ofI don't know. Grown up." 

Jim smiled, "That's funny. I feel like I've just been reborn. Like I have a chance to start all over. A chance to make a new life, a new home. With you." 

Blair ducked his head shyly, but seemed greatly pleased. "Jim, when we get home tomorrow." 

The Sentinel had not meant to bring up this issue. He hadn't wanted to spoil the weekend with hard doses of reality. Reality could be so cruel. "Yeah, babe?" 

"Wellwhat do we do? Are we gonna tell anyone? And what about work? Do we just carry on like nothing's happened? And what are the living arrangements, now? I'm not even gonna get _into_ financial stuff. I mean, how do we figure out who?" 

Now that he'd begun, his Guide was on a serious roll. "Blair!" Jim interrupted in an almost-bark. 

"Huh?" 

Gentler, "Calm down before you hurt yourself." 

Blair smiled worriedly, "Sorry, man. It's just that." 

"Babe, listen to me." Jim put a finger on his lover's lips to still the flood of words before it began anew. "We can't tell anyone at the PD. You know the policy regarding partners. If Simon found out, he'd have to split us up. I need you. I can't do the job without you. And I don't think I'm ready to call it quits at the station, are you?" 

"No way! That's what we _do_!" 

Jim nodded. "Then we can't let _us_ \--the fact that there _is_ an 'us'--get around the station. If it does get out, well, then it does. We'll deal with it then, maybe try to talk Simon into letting us continue working together. He _is_ a friend and he deserves to know, but I'd rather not put him in that position. We _will_ tell him eventually, but I think this is the kind of news you have to break slowly. 

"Anyone else you want to tell is okay by me, so long as they respect our privacy and don't blab it around. You decide who you want to know. I'm not ashamed of _you_ or _us_ and I trust your judgment. Next up: living arrangements. We sleep together from now on. If my bedroom is too much _my_ bedroom to make you feel really comfortable, then I'll move down into yours. I don't care. But we _will_ be sleeping together from now on. Clear?" 

Blair nodded mutely, his mouth hanging open. Gonna catch flies if you're not careful, there, Chief. 

"Finances," Jim continued with an almost-smile, "will be handled the same way all couples handle 'em. You pay what you can afford, I pay what I can afford. Or we just lump it together. After all, we are kind of." Jim's nerve suddenly gave out and he trailed off brokenly. 

"Say it, Jim. I need to hear it. From you." 

Jim looked up into eyes so dark and serious a lump formed in his throat. Not able to deny Blair this, he resumed, "Wewe're kind ofmarried, now." 

Blair let out a breath, tears forming in his eyes--eyes that shone so brightly Jim was glad he'd forced out the words. It was worth it just to see that look directed at him. "I love you, Jim." He didn't need to say it, Jim could see it in his eyes. And he liked the sound of it. 

Embarrassed and joyous at the same time, Jim covered by getting back to the issue at hand. "I think that about covers it, don't you?" 

"That covers it, Jim." Blair had a far-away look on his face--the look of a man in love. 

"Anything else, I think we can deal with it as it comes. I'm kind of emotionally strapped right now." 

"We'll deal with it later," Blair agreed dreamily. Jim examined his lover's face with an amused eye. Right now he could probably tell his Guide he was going to turn him over and tattoo his butt electric-pink and all he'd say was, "A pink butt sounds nice, Jim." 

Blair was rarely so agreeable and Jim had to fight not to take advantage of the fact. He very nearly used the "pink butt" line on Blair, just to see his face as he realized what he'd agreed to, when his Guide's stomach rumbled mightily. 

"Looks like someone's hungry," Jim smiled. They had been so engrossed in each other they had completely forgotten to eat. Ah, love. Jim had forgotten it was like this. 

"Hungry," Blair agreed with a nod, then paused and repeated, "Hungry?" 

"Your stomach's making very unhappy noises, babe." 

"It is?" Blair looked down at his stomach as if he couldn't, for the life of him, imagine what it had been thinking. Jim snorted laughter. 

"Come on, Chief." 

"Where are we going?" 

"I'm gonna take you outside, clean you, dress you and feed you." 

"You are?" Blair seemed mystified by this. "Why?" 

"The care and feeding of a Blair is a great responsibility and one I take with the utmost seriousness," Jim mock-preached with the reproachful shake of one finger, as if this should have been obvious. "If you're good, I might even take you for a hike later." Jim favored Blair with a weirdly quirky grin, then on impulse grabbed his lover, threw him into a "dip" and laid a majorly wet kiss on his suddenly squirming young Guide. 

"What was _that_ for?!" Blair asked, wiping the sloppy kiss from his mouth. 

"Because I _can_ ," said Jim, and to Blair's surprise, the big man smiled at him wickedly before unzipping the tent-flap and disappearing out the nylon entryway. 

Blair stared after him for a moment, a grin threatening the corners of his lips. Jim was weird when he was in love. Deeply weird. Deciding he could do weird, Blair let his grin bloom into a full-fledged smile. Weird was, after all, never boring. Shaking his head ruefully, Blair gathered up some clean clothes and followed his lover from the tent. 

Living with Jim from now on was going to be an interesting experience, the young man mused as he caught up with his love. A _very_ interesting experience, indeed. 

* * *

The day was warm, but breezy, a welcome respite from yesterday's dry heat, so after making a picnic lunch Jim had grabbed the environmentally safe soap and shampoo and bathed his lover in the lake. As they'd soaped and washed, the men had joked and splashed one another, as if nothing between them had changed. But it hadn't, really. Their relationship had expanded. Taken on a new dimension. Nothing between them had been lost. 

Jim had laughed and smiled more than he could ever remember as they dressed and prepared for their hike, for the knowledge that he'd only gained a lover, not lost a friend, delighted his soul. Why had he thought that the one might preclude the other? Perhaps it had been his marriage. Carolyn and he had not become friends until after the divorce. As friends, there was no pressure to become what she wanted him to be. There were no expectations for him to fulfill. There was no loss of control. But these pitfalls were no threat in his relationship with Blair, for their friendship had come first and remained still. They were both, now--both lovers and best friends. Feeling energized and damn near invincible at the realization, Jim lead his Guide deep into the forest, just looking at world through his new eyes; through the eyes of love. 

Ordinarily, Blair would have been babbling on about the indigenous flora or some such, but he appeared to need some time with his thoughts and Jim didn't want to disturb his complacence. Somehow, it was appropriate. The forest was so very calm and the atmosphere so soothingly placid that even the birds seemed unwilling to break the stillness with their usual vocalizations. 

They were just nearing an inviting hill that promised to be the perfect place from which to watch the sunset, when Jim took Blair's hand. The younger man smiled shyly as they walked hand in hand--the usually commonplace gesture seeming strangely intimate in these wild surroundings. As they followed the path toward the apex of the hill, they stole small glances at one another, smiling with childlike delight whenever they caught each other's eyes. 

By silent mutual agreement, the lovers sat atop the rolling hill to take in the majesty of nature from the scenic overlook. Settling down with his legs outstretched, Jim pulled Blair's back against his chest and wrapped his arms around him. Sighing, Blair relaxed back, resting comfortably. Jim could feel Blair's heartbeat even through the man's back and felt his own heart pause to pick up the rhythm as he gazed contentedly toward the horizon. With his Sentinel sight Jim could see for miles along the sloping, rocky countryside. The sun was just beginning its lazy journey to the other side of the earth, but seemed in no hurry to pass from view. 

As they watched the spectacle, it suddenly seemed to Jim as if the whole world was in their corner, rooting for them in their union. He felt, for perhaps the first time in his entire life, as if he were one with nature--in-tune with the very inertia of the universe. The feeling built as he felt Blair's touch, a soft caress on his enveloping arms. It was so sweet, this gentle touching between them. So innocent, yet so suggestive of deeper intimacy. That it felt comfortable so quickly didn't even seem strange. Why was that? Why did it feel as if they'd been sharing such loving caresses all their lives? 

"Blair?" 

"Yeah?" 

"What are you doing?" Blair had ceased his gentle caresses and was instead running his hands over Jim's biceps, grasping and squeezing them tightly each time his hands moved over the bulk of the muscle. 

Blair blushed and removed his hands. "Uh, sorry." 

"No, it's okay. Justwhy were you squeezing my arms like that?" 

"Iuhlike your muscles." 

"You do?" Jim asked, surprised and pleased. 

"Yeah. Theywell, they turn me on." 

Jim smiled, "Really?" and taking his lover's hands, put them back on his arms. "You don't have to stop. It feels good." Jim would have to get to the gym more often. A little extra time spent on the free-weights and in a few weeks he could be driving Blair wild. As Jim planned his weight-lifting strategy, he lay back and enjoyed the feel of Blair touching his muscles. Just knowing that Blair was turned on by it was getting Jim excited, too. 

"What turns you on, Jim?" 

"You do." 

Humph. That was probably the best he would get out of his stoic lover, Blair mused, more curious now than ever. Jim was just not the kind of man who would set himself up for possible embarrassment. But perhaps there was another way to find out, Blair thought, recalling something Jim had said last night about his dreams. After all, what are dreams if not wishes the heart makes? 

"Jim, would you tell me about one of your dreams?" 

"You mean?" 

"Yeah. One of the ones about me." 

"Uh." 

"You said you'd tell me, remember?" 

"Um. Oookay. Which one?" 

Blair shrugged, "The last one." 

Jim thought back. "Oh. _That_ one." 

"Wasn't that a good one?" Blair asked curiously. 

"They're _all_ good when they're about you. That one's justa little embarrassing." 

"I won't laugh, if that helps, no matter how weird it is. I promise. Tell me." 

"I." Jim gave his head a shake. After what they'd shared already, could a _dream_ be too embarrassing? They needed to be able to discuss such things openly if they were to share a bed. "Okay. That dream is pretty appropriate, anyway." 

"How so?" Blair craned his neck to look at Jim. 

"Because it took place here. At least, it was in the woods." 

"You dreamed about us in the woods?" 

"Yeah. Well, about _you_. I guess because it was the night before we left. 'Cause I knew we were coming here." 

"Yeah? So what was I doing?" 

"You were lying in this tall grass." 

"Naked?" Blair asked impishly. 

"Yeah," Jim answered with a roguish smirk, and he turned Blair's head forward and rested it again against his chest so Blair wouldn't be able to see his embarrassment. "You were sunbathing, I guess. But the grass was so tall it surrounded you. Cut you off from everything." 

"And where were you?" 

"I was" Jim's voice dropped to a near whisper, "I was watching you." 

"Yeah?" 

"You didn't know. I crept through the grass until I could see you with my Sentinel sight. I was too far away for you to see me and while I watched you started to rub suntan oil on yourself." Jim paused, unsure how to continue. Would Blair be offended by the invasion of privacy? No. It was only a dream, after all. But it was so reminiscent of his eavesdropping on Blair in the shower that it left Jim feeling vaguely guilty. He supposed he'd have to confess that little impropriety to his lover eventually. He didn't want secrets between them. He just hoped Blair wouldn't be _too_ angry about it. 

"So what happened then?" 

Drawn from his guilty thoughts by his lover's voice, Jim cleared his throat noisily before continuing. "Wellyou were rubbing the lotion into your skin, but." 

"But what?" 

"When you gotwhen you got to your cock youstarted to get excited. So youuh." 

"I started to masturbate?" 

Jim flushed, glad his lover couldn't see his face, as he responded with a guilty, "Yeah." 

"And you were watching?" 

"Uh huh." 

"Like this?" Before Jim could voice an objection Blair had his zipper down. Pulling himself free of his jeans, Blair began to stroke his semi-erect cock with short swipes of his hand. 

"Jesus, Blair, what are you doing?" 

"Making your dreams come true, what else?" Blair said breathlessly as he continued to stroke himself. "Do you like this? Does it turn you on to watch me?" 

"Iyes," Jim whispered, his eyes fixed on the movement of Blair's hand as if it were a magical talisman. His lover was so spontaneous. So sexually free. How would he ever keep up with the man? 

"Go on, lover. What happened next?" 

"Uhyou were touching yourself and you started to moan my name." 

"Jiiimmm," Blair moaned. 

"Christ, Chief." 

"Keep talking, lover. What happened then?" 

"Youyou must have been daydreaming. Daydreaming about me being inside you. 'Cause you started to talk, then. Whisper, really." 

"What did I say?" Blair whispered. 

"I don't remember, exactly. All kinds of things. Hot things, sexy things. Filthy things. But it got me so aroused I." 

"You started to touch yourself," Blair hissed. "You watched me and you touched yourself." 

"Yes," Jim whispered. 

"I'm doing it now, Jim. Picturing it. I'm imagining you moving inside me. Oh, it feels so good! Doesn't it feel good, Jim? Touch yourself, lover. Touch yourself and imagine it with me. Are you imagining it, Jim? Can you see it?" 

Almost of its own volition, Jim's hand moved down to his hardening cock and he rubbed at it through the material of his jeans as he watched Blair pleasure himself. "Yes," Jim whispered, "I see it. I feel it." 

"I feel it too, lover. I feel _you_. You feel so big inside meso big." Blair's hand sped up and Jim's, in unconscious imitation, mimicked the motion on his own jean-covered crotch. "You're hard as a rock inside me, lover," Blair continued, "And you're moving fast, now. Thrusting in and out of me so fast, it's more than making love. It's like fucking and making love at the same time." 

Jim gasped at these words, then closed his eyes and moaned. It was too much--too much when Blair talked dirty like that. It made him so hard he hurt. 

"Oh, Jim, Jiimmm. Yes, Jim. Fuck me, lover. Harder! Yes! Yes!" With an indrawn breath, Blair came, shuddering. 

The smell of his lover's seed assaulted Jim's olfactory nerves with such force, the Sentinel felt like he'd been hit with a mallet. Sweet and salt, sex and spice, the odor descended upon him, shooting to his cock with a stabbing sensuality so abrupt, his heart skipped a beat and his entire body stiffened. Freezing as the bloom of heat traveled from his belly to his cock, Jim couldn't help but squeeze himself roughly through his jeans at the onslaught of the unexpected sensation. 

"God, Blair!" Jim shouted and fell over sideways as he came. But even as he shook and shuddered he reached out a hand to Blair, needing the connection between them to feel safe and grounded. He'd never experienced this particular kind of loving and felt somehow exposed out here in the open; off-kilter not touching his lover when he orgasmed. But his Guide must have sensed this need, for his hand rose to clasp Jim's almost before it had been reached for. Using Jim's strength to supplement his own, Blair pulled their bodies together and they rode out the rest of the storm in each other's arms. 

"Jesus, Blair," Jim huffed out as he panted, "You almost gave me a coronary. At this rate I'll be lucky to see forty." 

"I'll take that as a compliment," Blair laughed, and as his breathing and heart-rate slowed, he continued, "That was way cool. We should make this a regular thing. You know, do this, like, every night." Blair turned to Jim eagerly. "How many more dreams you got, man?" 

Jim only groaned in response. 

"A lot then," Blair interpreted. "Excellent! Gods! There's so much I want to do. So much I want to try! Oh, man. It's like I've been saving up for this all my life!" 

Blair was answered only by a pitifully exaggerated whimper of resignation. He ignored it. 

"Tell me another one, Jim! Tell me one about us together." 

"No!" 

"Tell me one about us making love at the loft. Like, on the floor or the kitchen table or something!" 

"What?" 

"Yeah! Or in my office. Hey! Have you got any where we make love at the station? Like, in a holding cell or an interrogation room?" 

"Blair, are you _trying_ to kill me?" 

In a teasing tone, Blair snorted, "Come on, man. You're not _that_ old!" 

With a bark of laughter, Blair rolled out of reach just before Jim's swatting hand could impact with his bottom. From his safe haven several feet away, Blair gave his lover a wicked 'come and get me' smirk, but Jim just glared at him with mock exasperation. Too tired to chase after his playful young love, Jim threw the swatting arm across his eyes with a dismal grunt. Had he been thinking he'd last until forty? Fat chance. Jim would be lucky to see his next birthday. 

Had Jim ever been that young? Young and randy enough to be ready to go again only moments after his last orgasm? He couldn't remember. The past always seemed hazy and unimportant when Blair was around. Deciding this was probably a good thing, Jim struggled unsteadily to his feet and regarded the dark patch spreading at his groin with disapproval. Yuck. He felt so funky. 

Glancing over to assess his lover's state, he found Blair smiling as he put himself back together. He was in slightly better condition, but then, he'd been bright enough to actually _open_ his zipper. 

"Hey, lover? Wanna go skinny dipping?" Blair called as he adjusted himself. 

"I guess we have to. I don't know why, but it just never occurred to me that having a relationship with man would be so." Jim trailed off, waving a hand toward his groin. 

"Sticky?" Blair supplied with a evil grin. 

"Yeah," Jim agreed, shaking his head at his lover's carefree wiles, "Sticky." 

Blair approached and looked deeply into his eyes. "But it's a _good_ sticky, right?" 

Jim smiled and took his lover's hand reassuringly. "Blair, I'd rather be sticky with you than clean in a harem full of women." 

Blair's eyes lit up. "You would? Really?" 

"Of course. Wouldn't you?" 

Blair made a show of thinking this over. "Umjust how scantily clad would these women be?" 

The Sentinel laughed, cuffing his teasing lover gently on the side of the head. "Very scantily clad!" 

"Oh, well, then it's no contest," Blair informed him in a tone both condescending and magnanimous, "I'd choose you. Never did gravitate toward flashy women. Vestal virgins, on the other hand. " 

Jim pulled his lover into his arms. "That's enough out of you, Romeo." And putting action to words, the Sentinel occupied his lover's mouth with something far sweeter than words as the sun passed from view. 

* * *

"Now I'm using my thumbs and fingertips, but some practitioners also use their elbows and even their knees to manipulate the right trigger points. But I don't know how to do that so I won't risk it. I don't know _all_ the points, either, of course, but I know most of the important ones. " 

Jim was lying naked on his back, eyes closed, while Blair, who was wearing his cut-off tee with a rather scandalously torn pair of jeans, moved up and down his body, applying pressure to specific points. He called the technique "shiatsu." Apparently, there were something like 360 points on the human body that would respond in various ways to different degrees of pressure. It was some weird Eastern kind of rejuvenation thing that Western medicine had not, according to Sandburg, caught up to yet. 

When they'd returned from their hike it had been almost fully dark. Nonetheless, they had gone skinny dipping as Blair had proposed, originally with the idea of simply getting clean. As anyone who's ever gone skinny dipping with a lover in the moonlight knows, however, it is an action that is inherently romantic. One simply cannot swim naked with one's lover, watch the full-moon reflect in their eyes, and _not_ take said lover into one's arms. It was simply beyond the realm of possibility. At least, it was in Jim's universe. And they had spent long moments kissing and touching, learning each other's bodies by touch beneath the water in the inspiring darkness. 

By the time they'd climbed to shore, they were frustratingly aroused. Had the water been just a little warmer, Jim had no doubt events would have progressed to an interesting finale. But the chilly lake plotted against them, not allowing them to finish what they'd begun. The water had simply been too cold. 

A male anatomy had its drawbacks. 

So they had moved the party to the tent. Jim had groaned slightly as he lay down on the sleeping bags--and that was all it took. Despite his protests that he was fine, simply unused to so much swimming and sex, Blair had begun his pressure-point massage. He'd been prattling on incessantly about the historical uses and physical benefits of the non-traditional medical technique ever since. 

"See, there are these 'meridian points' that connect the internal organs in the body. There's this kind of 'vital energy' that flows along the meridian lines. Any interruption of the energy flow can cause pain or discomfort. You don't want anything blocking the connection between the brain and other organs or the nerves, veins and arteries. Increasing the energy flow helps to harmonize the mind, body and spirit. They've been using this as a therapy in China for over four-thousand years, man. Imagine! It's a forerunner, even, to acupuncture and it's been used to treat." 

Jim really didn't mind listening to Blair talk. His voice was a soothing balm to his soul. Even before they'd become lovers, Jim would often would often just sit, letting his Guide's words wash over him, the gentle tone and quality of his voice lifting away all the worry or annoyance of the day. While he often feigned indifference to his Guide's tales, sometimes pretending to ignore them completely, he always listened. He couldn't _not_ listen. There was something about his Guide's voice that commanded his attention. Maybe it was because he was the Guide. Perhaps Jim, as a Sentinel, was genetically predisposed to listen, just, as Blair had explained, he was predisposed to territoriality. Whatever. As far as Jim was concerned, he just liked the sound of his Guide's voice. 

Especially now. Instead of giving his Guide his full attention as he usually did, now that they were lovers, Jim found he could divide his attention between his lover's touch and his words; hearing the way one sees with one's peripheral vision. He could recall the words, if he cared to, without the need to focus on them. Yet a new aspect to their Sentinel/Guide bond. He would have mentioned it to Blair, but he didn't want him to stop the wonderful things he was doing to Jim's mind and body with his words and hands. He'd tell him later. Right now, Jim was engrossed in just enjoying the physical contact. He did feel invigorated by it. Yet at same time, his lover's voice allowed his mind to sink into an almost meditative state. 

"Jim?" 

"Hum?" 

"You're not zoning-out on me, are you?" 

"No. I'm just relaxed. It feels so good. Where did you learn this?" 

"Oh! There's a story behind that!" Blair waggled his eyebrows with a comical leer. "See, I used to have this girlfriend who was a masseuse. So we're at her place one night talking about acupuncture, when she has this idea to combine pressure point therapy with erotic massage. So she has me undress and." 

"Blair." 

"Huh?" 

"I don't want to hear about your girlfriends." 

"Oh," Blair blinked, then broke off the massage as guilt slowly filled his expressive eyes, " 'Course you don't. Stupid of me. Sorry, man." Blair looked down and picked at a hole in his torn jeans, eyes suddenly more gray than blue as they reflected his shame, punished him with guilt. 

Damn. He hadn't wanted to make Blair feel bad. After all, they had gone from friends who could discuss women one day, to lovers who couldn't the next. It was a whole new ballgame. It would take time to get used to the rules. 

"Hey, babe?" 

Blair looked up. "Yeah, Jim?" 

"How about you do a little more of that pressure point thing on me?" 

"Sure!" Happy for the chance to redeem himself, Blair retrieved the suntan oil and rubbed in a slow circle before applying pressure to a spot on Jim's lower belly just above his sex. This was the best pressure point yet. What Blair was doing with his hands was strangely erotic, while at the same time, pleasurable in an unhurried way. And though Jim could hardly hide his budding arousal, Blair continued his acupressure massage as if he didn't notice. Deciding Blair either didn't mind, or took it as a compliment, Jim closed his eyes and lay his head back, just enjoying his lover's touch. It wasn't until Blair began rubbing oil on his erection that he opened them again. 

Jim cocked an eyebrow. "Blair, what are you doing?" 

Blair looked up at Jim, then down at his hands and started guiltily. He seemed so genuinely surprised to find them on his lover's erection that Jim laughed. "Sorry, man. Guess I was having my own little zone-out there. I must have that erotic massage thing on the brain," Blair admitted with a slightly abashed grin. 

The man's adorable when he's feeling guilty, Jim mused. "That's all right, lover. The truth is, you read my mind." It was debatable which head was doing his thinking right now, but at the moment, Jim didn't much care. 

"You sure you're up for it?" 

Though Blair had intended no pun, Jim couldn't suppress a snicker. "You tell me, babe," he mock-leered. 

Blair laughed and, eyeing his lover's erection, snorted, "I'd say that's a _big_ 'yes'!" Jim laughed happily. Blair made him feel like some randy teenager with a tube of Clearasil in one back pocket and a Trojan in the other. "So, what've you got in mind, handsome?" Blair purred seductively. 

"Oh, a little of this, a little of that." Jim waved an innocent hand. 

"And do you prefer more of 'this,'" Blair licked the inside of the big man's left thigh, making him gasp, "or more of 'that,'" Blair continued, running his hands slowly up the length of Jim's erection. 

Jim let his head loll back and puffed out, "Whatever you want, baby. After that massage, your wish is my command." 

"Oh, yeah?" Blair crooned, in an 'I'll remember _that_ ' tone. But Blair remained silent for several seconds after, before continuing more seriously, "UhJim? Could we. I don't want to push you or anything, but I've kinda been hoping." 

At the change in Blair's voice, Jim raised his head and regarded his Guide worriedly, but Blair didn't meet his eyes. "What is it, Blair?" 

Shyly, Blair continued, "WellI really need." 

"What do you need, babe?" Jim asked gently. 

"I need you to make me yours." 

Puzzled, Jim frowned, "I thought we already did that." 

Blair looked up. "Sort of. You belong to me, now." 

"Yeaaah. I belong to you. You belong to me. We belong to each other." 

"Not yet." 

Not yet? He'd been there, hadn't he? Had he fallen asleep at some crucial point and missed something significant? "You lost me, babe." 

Blair looked embarrassed. "It's justIyou know. But youyou didn'tI mean, you didn't _yet_ , but if it's too much all at once we could wait and, um." 

Despite the fact that Blair's mumbling made no sense whatsoever, Jim discovered he understood it perfectly. Blair had taken him, but he had not yet taken Blair. Perhaps his young lover's need to "even the playing field" was simply a testament to his inexperience. Jim hoped so, for he found the way in which Blair connected these acts to the whole "belonging" thing a little troubling. 

"Blair. Babe, you know the physical part doesn't _really_ have anything to do with feeling that we belong to each other, don't you? It's not a requirement. I would feel the same way even if we never did that. In fact, it's probably that way for a lot of couples." 

Blair was nodding. "Hey, I'm not stupid, man. I know all that. It's justwell, I guess I've been thinking about this for so long that the symbolic act has become kind of important to me." 

The symbolic act? Jim's past lovers had described making love with him in many ways over the years, but never as a "symbolic act." Deciding that Blair was, primarily, a scholar, Jim let the terminology pass. "Are you sure you're ready for this, baby? I thought you'd want to wait a while. There's no time limit, you know." 

"I know. But we're leaving tomorrow. And I'd really like to do this _here_. You know, in this place." Blair's eyes dropped slightly, "It really means a lot that you shared it with me, but I thought it would be even more special if it was, like, 'our place.' You know, the place we first." 

Liking this notion, Jim smiled, "It already is 'our place,' baby. But I understand." 

"Thenyou want to?" 

"Yeah. I want to. Especially if it's what you need to make this feel right for you. That makes me want to all the more." 

"Okay. Good." Blair smiled shyly. "Um. How should I." 

"Why don't you come up here," Jim said gently, "and get on top." Jim didn't ask this because he found lovers who took the upper position enticing--though he did--he asked for it hoping that the position might give Blair some control over the encounter. It would be easier for one who was still new to the ways of love. 

"Sure, lover!" Blair responded enthusiastically. As if he'd read Jim's mind, he continued, "I remember reading that that's a good position for beginners. It's supposed to make it a lot easier," he explained, as he removed his jeans with such extraordinary haste, Jim was surprised he didn't give himself friction burns. 

Jim laughed happily. It had been a long time since he himself had been so eager; so long since it was all _that_ new. But with Blair, Jim felt as if he were living it all again. Like he could see through his young Guide's eyes; almost feel his nervous need. It was as if Jim, too, was again learning all the subtleties and nuances for the first time. Jim watched his lover disrobe with a joyful heart, but as Blair pulled off the last of his garments he paused shyly, as if it had only just occurred to him that without his clothes he would be naked. 

Taking pity on his sweetly shy lover, Jim took hold of his hand. "We have all the time in the world, Blair. I don't want to do anything until you're ready. It's never too late to change your mind. Not with me. Let's just go with how we feel and see where it takes us. For now, I'd really like it if you would just hold me and kiss me. But while you do that, I want to feel you on top of me. I want to know that feeling. I want to memorize it, everything about it, so I'll never forget." 

Seeming entranced by the words, Blair moved atop the larger body. Propped up on his elbows, he paused to look into his new lover's eyes as he intoned, "Who would have pegged Jim Ellison for a romantic?" 

Jim snorted derisively, but deciding it was, largely, a rhetorical question, ignored it. In lieu of answering, he slowly ran a hand over Blair's chest, his fingers following the line of fur as it angled down to his abdomen. He was still looking into Blair's eyes, listening as his breath became shorter and faster. Blair was so beautiful like this; his eyes shining with desire, his expression awed, almost reverent. 

Without thinking, Jim brought up his free hand and touched his lover's face--running a finger over the small, slightly upturned nose; tracing his eyebrows, cheekbones and lips. "So beautiful," Jim whispered, more to himself than to his lover, "so very beautiful." Blair gasped at the words, seeming genuinely surprised to hear them. 

It seemed to flip a switch in the younger man, for something in his countenance changed and a fire began to grow behind them, brightening them until they looked as if they'd been set ablaze. It was Jim's turn to gasp because Blair's eyes looked like blue flame; like flawless sapphires as they sparkled with dangerous desire and the fire within them grew and grew. 

Blair leaned over and kissed him then, kissed him _hard_ , taking Jim's mouth wantonly with tongue and teeth as if he wished to devour his lover. Jim was, at first, a little taken aback. This was so different from the gentle way Blair had kissed him earlier. So unexpected; even a tiny bit scary. This was a side of Blair he hadn't suspected could exist behind his sweetly shy demeanor. 

As if sensing his lover's surprise, Blair lifted his head and pulled back, embarrassed. "Sorry, man. I guess I got a little carried away," he explained apologetically and ducked his head. "That happens to me sometimes." 

"No, baby, it was wonderful. I just didn't expect you to be soaggressive. I guess we still have a lot to learn about each other." 

"Yeah," Blair agreed, smiling down at Jim shyly. 

"Babe?" 

"Yeah, Jim?" 

"Do it again?" 

Blair's surprise at the request turned into a glittering smile and leaning forward, he kissed Jim like his lips were the center of an expanding universe. Not even bothering to try and keep up, Jim rode out the kiss as his Guide became ever more aggressive: pulling at Jim's bottom lip with his teeth, sucking hard on Jim's tongue and licking at gums and teeth. Blair kissed with all the passion of his long-repressed lust and love. The two men were still chest to chest, their erections aligned and pressed between their bodies as their lips pressed together above. 

With Blair's passion feeding the flame of his own, Jim needed more than his lover's lips to satisfy him and breaking the kiss, he pushed his Guide up by the shoulders so that by craning his neck forward, he could nuzzle the furred chest above him. Bracing himself with his arms outstretched and hands flat on each side of Jim's chest, Blair closed his eyes, seeming perfectly content to let his lover take all he wished of his body. 

Blowing lightly over the soft mat of hair, Jim watched a nipple harden to a tight, wrinkled bud. He licked the hard little nipple, first lightly, and then rapidly, flicking hard with his tongue. Blair writhed, making their erections slide and bob between them. This stimulation was almost too much for Jim and, pulling his mouth from Blair's nipple, he threw back his head with a groan. 

Sensing the nipple-stimulation section of this event had passed, Blair sat up with a pleased smile, straddling his lover's lower hips and running his fingernails forcefully over Jim's torso. To the Sentinel, it was as if Blair's fingers left trails of fire wherever they touched. But when Blair reached Jim's erection, he touched it feather-light with one finger only--running it up the underside slowly, over the sensitive head and down the top of his length. 

"Oh! Blair, you're evil, baby." I've created a monster, Jim thought, not entirely displeased by the fact. 

Blair laughed in agreement, then asked seriously, "Are you ready, lover?" 

"Yes!" Jim shouted impatiently, then shook his head at his uncharacteristic enthusiasm. Summoning up what remained of his common sense, he quickly corrected, "I mean, 'yes,' if you're _sure_." 

"I am," Blair breathed, the words a passionate caress to Jim's sensitive ears. Extending an arm above him, the big man searched for the tube that had been by the head of the sleeping bags earlier. Blair reached out and placed his hand over Jim's, stilling it. "I already got myself ready for you, lover," he whispered, Sentinel-soft. 

"You did?" Blair had only been out of his sight for a few minutes after their hike. Only to answer the call of nature before he'd rejoined Jim in the tent following their wonderfully frustrating moonlight swim. 

"Yeah," Blair continued to whisper, as if sensing Jim would be comfortable discussing such things only in low-tones. "When I was outside, before. I went down to the lake so I could wash up after Igot myself ready. I didn't want to have to wait. I wanted it to be perfect." Blair looked into Jim's eyes seriously and said with conviction, "It _will_ be perfect." 

Jim didn't know what to say; didn't know how to tell his lover he didn't know _how_ to make this perfect for him. Blair was so confident--so serious about this as a way to feel he belonged to Jim--it made the Sentinel as skittish and uncertain as he'd been the first time he'd made love. "Blair, I." 

Blair put a finger over Jim's lips. "It's okay. You're already covered with oil and I'm ready for you. You don't need to do anything to make this right. It's perfect already, lover." Blair removed his finger and gently stroked Jim's furrowed brow until the tension there lessened. 

Jim swallowed. "Baby, I think." 

"What, lover? What do you need?" 

"I think I need you to do it. I need you to take me inside yourself. I can't." 

"Shhhh," Blair hushed, kissing Jim softly on the lips. The kiss felt like a promise; a reassurance. A kiss of understanding. Bracing himself with one hand on Jim's muscular chest, Blair reached behind himself with the other and guided his lover's cock inside. The young man gasped at the strange sensation, and knowing what his lover was feeling, Jim watched him carefully, looking for any sign of pain or significant discomfort. But Blair moved very slowly, biting at his bottom lip as Jim was beginning to suspect he always would at the onset of intercourse. 

Their positioning was perfect for his inexperienced young lover, Jim thought happily. Sitting on top allowed Blair the freedom to move as _his_ body dictated. He was able to pause every few seconds to allow himself to grow accustomed to the feeling and as a result, he clearly experienced no discomfort. Jim smiled, giving himself a mental pat on the back for proposing the idea. 

When Blair finally ceased moving, he sat flush atop Jim's hips. He was panting, but did not appear to be unhappy with the experience. 

"What does it feel like, lover?" Jim softly echoed Blair's question of that morning, his own panting smile a testament to love and sharing. 

"Feelsfeelslike I belong to you," Blair panted out, eyes still closed. 

"You do. You're a part of me now." Jim dropped his voice to a slow, sexy growl, "You're _mine_ , lover." 

Blair moaned desirously at this declaration, his head lolling back as, at long last, he began to shift his hips. But Blair didn't move in the up and down motion Jim had expected. Indeed, he was hardly moving at all. Blair's head was thrown back, his eyes closed, biting at his lower lip as he rocked--rocked so slightly Jim had to turn up his sense of touch to actually experience the motion. With his dials locked on high, Jim could feel the protruding gland inside Blair with the flared head of his sex. Blair was rubbing the head against that spot inside him without even attempting to deal with the early discomfort of a cock thrusting in and out of him. 

Inexplicably, Jim found this behavior to be so incredibly arousing that he nearly came with the very realization. His dials were turned up so high that Blair's weight was almost painful. But Jim wanted to experience this to its fullest; to swim in the sensation of being inside Blair. With his senses wide open, he could feel each individual hair on Blair's legs with his hips; sense every quiver inside his lover, whose every breath now seemed a breeze. 

This was more than he'd ever allowed himself to experience during sex, fearing the over-stimulation might send him into a zone-out and he'd be left adrift, far from the only one who could call him out of it. But that was no longer a concern, nor ever would be again. The one he'd need was right here with him, moving in tiny pushes that were driving Jim wild. But Jim would not thrust; he dared not. For one single movement of his hips would push him over the edge. 

And so Jim lay, just looking up at his Guide in amazement, marveling at the feel of him. He was sexy, so naturally sensual and so very _into_ this that if Jim had not trusted Blair completely, he'd never have believed the man hadn't done this before. Blair moaned then and Jim could feel the vibration even in his cock. It was so hard not to push up into the wet warmth--so difficult not to thrust. And in his over-sensitized need, Jim called up a dream, letting the fantasy play out in his head while his Guide thrummed with pleasure above him. 

In Jim's dream, as in the reality before him, Blair perched above him, impaled on his cock. But unlike his sweetly innocent lover, this was a Blair who not only knew what he wanted, but how to get it. And he rode Jim hard, using his whole body for leverage as he forced himself down on Jim's cock again and again. Yet just as Jim was about to come Blair stopped, suspended with just the tip of Jim's erection inside him, teasing him cruelly. 

Jim moaned and thrashed, pleading while trying to thrust up, desperate with need. But Blair restrained him, holding down Jim's hips with his full weight until he exhausted himself and subsided. Then Blair leaned forward toward a nipple, but he did not, as Jim had expected, attempt to suck it into his mouth. Instead, his teasing Guide began rubbing his own nipple against Jim's, circling the tiny nub with his own. Jim wailed, so erotic was the sight, so unexpected the stimulation. 

"Jim?" 

Jerked from his delicious daydream, Jim's eyes flew open to find Blair's fixed on his. His lover was still above him, still loving him. But judging from the look of concern on his face, he had been pulled from his amorous floating by something disturbing. Oh shit! Had he wailed aloud? 

"You okay, Jim? That sound you made, I was afraid you were in pain. Am I too heavy? Am I hurting you? Hey! You didn't have some kind of weird zone, did ya?" 

This isn't happening. 

"Jim?" 

"Blair, I." What could he say? Sorry, Blair, but while you were making slow, sweet love to me I got lost in a sexual power fantasy all my own? Yeah. That'll go over real well. 

"Jim, you're starting to freak me out here, man. What's wrong? Did you have your senses dialed up too high?" 

"Yes. I." He almost took the easy out Blair had innocently handed him. But at the last moment, he changed his mind. He couldn't do that. He couldn't lie to Blair. Especially when they were here. Like this. Jim sighed and lowered his eyes. "No. I mean, 'yes,' they were dialed up, but that's not why Imade whatever sound I made." Jim looked up, guilt in his heart as well as his eyes. "I had this dream once. And I was thinking about it. And I just sort of went off." 

Blair's face changed, hurt and confusion darkening his eyes and distorting his usually lovely features with hard lines. "You were having a fantasy?" 

Jim lowered his gaze, unable to look Blair in the eye. "Yeah," he choked out. 

"About who?" Blair demanded. 

About who? Jim looked up, perplexed by the question. "You, of course." And Blair's expressive face changed again, relief smoothing the lines on his forehead and amusement curling his lips as it took the place of pain. 

"Is that all?" Blair puffed out a breath. "You had me scared for a minute there." Shaking his head in a 'What am I going to do with you?' motion, Blair gave his lover a half-hearted scowl. 

"Youyou're not upset?" 

Blair gave him a strange look. "Because you were fantasizing about _me_?" 

"Well, I thought you might feel like you weren't enough for me or that it was kinky or something." 

Blair thought this over. "I guess that depends on what we were doing," the younger man mused to himself. 

"It does?" Was Jim even in this conversation? 

"Yeah, man. If you were hoping for acrobatics, I'm definitely not up for that. And nothing that involves pain or live snakes. Unless it was just a 'play' fantasy. You know, like the rape fantasies some people have? They don't really want to be raped, 'cause it's only fun when it's not real. Was this a rape fantasy?" 

"No!" For someone with so little experience, Blair seemed to know an awful lot about sex. But then, Blair knew a lot about everything. He actually seemed towait a minutesnakes?! 

"So, spill. What were we doing that you thought might be too kinky for me?" 

"This isn't really the time." 

"This is the perfect time. Come on, Jim. Don't leave me hangin'." 

Damn. He should never have started this. "Wellwe were making love." 

"Yeah?" Blair prompted. 

"Youyou were on top of me like this," Jim waved a hand between them, "and you were moving over me, fast and hard." 

"Ah!" Blair's eyes glittered. "What happened then?" 

Blair looked like he was enjoying this. "Then you leaned down and you." Jim dropped his eyes in embarrassment. How did he get himself into these things? 

"What?" Blair half-whispered. 

Jim swallowed. "You rubbed your nipple on mine." When Jim found the courage to look up, it was to find Blair looking at him curiously. 

"That's it?" 

"Wellyeah." Something strange was happening to Blair's mouth. The corners were wiggling oddly. It was a full five seconds before Jim realized that Blair was trying desperately not to laugh. 

Blair smirked. "Gee, lover, how have you managed to hide this twisted side of your nature so long?" 

"You're laughing at me!" Jim accused. 

"Only because you take yourself too seriously." Blair paused thoughtfully, "Sodoes the action usually pick up later?" 

"Stop it!" Jim wished they could just go back to what they were doing and drop the entire issue. 

Blair giggled happily. "Sorry, lover. Really, though, that's a nice fantasy, Jim. Kind of sweet." 

Sweet! "Thanks, I think." 

"You know, I didn't know about this," Blair mused meditatively. 

"Know about what?" 

"This whole talking in bed thing. I didn't know you could really," Blair waved a hand, "just stop in the middle of everything and, like, have a conversation." 

"Uhit's not something that's generally done," Jim explained uncomfortably. 

"Why not?" Blair sounded genuinely interested. "I mean, the whole concept has some definite possibilities." Blair's eyes twinkled. 

Dear God. Blair was getting creative in bed. Already. How would he ever keep up with the man once he got a little more experience under his belt? Jim wasn't as young as he used to be. "What possibilities would those be?" Jim asked a little apprehensively. 

"This whole describing fantasies thing, for one. It's pretty cool. Hey, want to hear one of mine?" 

Did he? He wasn't sure. "Uh." 

"You're all decked out in black leather: chaps, boots, the whole nine yards." 

"ErBlair." 

"You even have this cool black leather hat. It's sitting on your head at, like, this jaunty angle, kind of broadcasting that you're looking for trouble. A real tough guy, ya know?" 

"Blair, I." 

"So you're leaning against this lamppost with one leg bent so your foot's on the post behind you. Me, I'm just tooling around in my top-chopped Ferrari--Oh! I forgot to mention that I'm always disgustingly wealthy in my fantasies. But why not, ya know? So as I drive by I spot you and pull over, a little afraid, but, like, drawn to you. To that dangerous persona-thing you've got going." 

Blair had his eyes closed now and his head lolled slightly as he relived the fantasy. "Anyway, you lean down to the passenger-side window and say, 'Looking for trouble, Sport? 'Cause you've found it. But trouble ain't cheap.'" 

Jim felt vaguely offended. "Am I hearing this right, Chief? Have you cast me in the role of some gay prostitute who hangs out on street-corners looking for action?" And one who says 'ain't' at that, Jim's mind silently added. Jim never used that word. It had been a punishable offence in the Ellison household. 

"Shut up, man, it's my fantasy." Blair favored him with a brief scowl before allowing his eyes to close again. He's really getting into this, Jim mused. But then, he'd also gotten into the dream Jim had recounted on the hill. How could he have forgotten that? How could he have thought Blair would be upset over him having a simple fantasy while making love? 

"So you're leaning against the passenger-side door and you've got one hand dangling near your crotch, so close you could grab your cock without moving your hand if you wanted to. I'm looking at your hand, and you know I'm looking at it, and that's turning me on something fierce. That decides me and I say, 'Money's not a problem. Get in.' And you do. 

"While I drive, you just sit sort of sideways in your seat--staring at me like you might eat me alive. But I don't say anything, 'cause I'm getting really turned on by it." Blair smiled dreamily. "So we got to his expensive hotel and I book their best suite." 

"Prostitutes book the rooms, not their johns," Jim pointed out factually. 

Blair opened one eye and frowned as if to say, 'Stop trying to spoil a perfectly good fantasy with logic.' He shrugged a moment later and pointedly added, "So when we get to the room, you say, 'That was pretty brave, booking the room yourself like that.' And I say, 'Hey, I'm a brave kinda guy. I'm here with you, aren't I?'" Blair favored Jim with a cocky 'Are you satisfied, now?' smile before continuing. 

"So after this little sidebar we get back to business and you kneel me down in front of the fireplace--Oh, yeah. There's a huge fireplace as tall as me with a crackling fire inside. And sherry. Yeah. There's always a bottle of sherry." 

"Naturally," Jim agreed with smirk, "there'd _have_ to be sherry. I mean, if there was a fireplace and all." Jim was starting to enjoy this. 

"Stop trying to spoil the mood," Blair complained warningly. "So anyway, we're sipping sherry before a roaring fire when suddenly you grab the glass from my hand and." 

"Smash it in the fireplace? Won't housekeeping complain?" 

"I've paid them off! I pay _everyone_ off ahead of time, _okay_?" 

"Okay," Jim relented, smiling with amusement. 

"So," Blair continued with a warning glare, "I'm a little surprised by your forcefulness and a little scared, too. But you're smiling this dangerous smile and I realize that's just what you wanted. But before I can object or explain that the rough stuff isn't what I was looking for, you grab me and haul me to the bed and, like, tower over me menacingly while you're holding me down on it." 

Jim wasn't sure he liked this anymore. He'd never been much for S &M fantasy--perhaps because he'd spent just a little too long dealing with sickos while in Vice--but what bothered him more was his behavior in Blair's little daydream. Listening to a description of him hurting Blair, whether imaginary or not, left him feeling vaguely ill. With a shake of his head, Jim tried to push the image away. 

"Hey, Blair?" 

"Hang on, Jim, I'm just getting to the good part. So I'm looking up at you, pretty frightened now, when your face changes." 

"My face changes?" 

"Yeah. It's like you realize I've never done this before--Oh, did I mention I'm a newbie? So anyway, you say, 'You've never done this before! Why didn't you tell me? I specialize in first-timers.'" 

Thank you, God, Jim thought upon hearing his character's movement away from violent behavior. Jim didn't think he could have held onto his erection through such a description and he really didn't want to spoil this for Blair. 

"So instead of ripping my clothes off, you undress me slow-- _real_ slow--and I'm so hard by the time I'm naked I think I'm gonna go crazy. But you stand up then, and, like, start this slow strip-tease in front of the fire. And in the dim room the flickering flames create this aura behind you and it almost looks like _you're_ on fire, too." 

This is certainly a detailed fantasy, Jim thought with an inward shake of his head. Only Blair would have given him a flaming aura. I wonder if _all_ the imagery is as vivid in the man's imagination? 

"And of course you've gone commando. Underwear would have ruined the lines of leather pants that tight, anyway. So you're naked, now, and I see that you've oiled your muscles." Blair paused to smile dreamily and Jim reminded himself about his resolution to update his workouts. "So your muscles are gleaming and rippling and stuff and you stalk over to the bed--no, no. Swagger, yeah, that's it, you swagger over to the bed and I see that you're already hard for me. Before I can say a word, you take me in your arms, kissing me hard, then soft, then hard again." 

To Jim's surprise, he found himself becoming aroused by this. Closing his eyes, he let the picture Blair was painting with his words sweep him away--deciding not to point out that prostitutes generally refused to kiss no matter how much money you offered them. A hooker he'd busted in his Vice days once explained it by saying, "Kissing is just too personal, ya know?" Like cops, prostitutes demanded distance in their professional relationships. 

"And you're touching me, touching me all over while you're kissing me. You start to nibble my neck, moving around it as you roll me over. Then you bite down on the back of my neck and I almost come just from that alone. And while I'm distracted with the whole neck-biting thing, you move into me--pushing your cock inside of me so slowly and gently it drives me wild! I can feel you inside me and you're so big, so big it hurts a little. I think you don't notice, but you do. You notice I'm too tight. And that's when you do the most amazing thing." Blair was rocking again, rocking as he recounted the fantasy. 

"What, baby?" Jim whispered, his breathing hard and fast as Blair moved above him. "What do I do?" 

"You roll us over so I'm on top--on top but still on my back above you--and I see the ceiling's mirrored. I can see myself and I can see you moving into me. Oh! And it's so hot, so hot--not because of the fire, but because it's so sexy! Then you reach around my body and take me in your hand, not hurting, but rough all the same. And I watch it in the mirror. You're pulling and jerking me off andGods!" 

As Blair spoke, Jim had reached up and taken his lover's cock in hand, imitating the fantasy action. "Gods, Jim!" his lover cried, "That feels so good!" 

As the Jim stroked his love, Blair reached slowly behind him and ran his fingers over the older man's balls. The action was so unexpected, Jim couldn't help but thrust up. Blair moaned throatily, his arms flying forward and flailing. Worried that he'd hurt his lover with the unintentional thrust, Jim caught Blair's hands in his own. He was just about to ask his Guide if he was all right when Blair drew each of Jim's hands to his mouth and kissed them in turn before slowly extending his arms. 

To Jim's astonishment, Blair began to lower himself backwards, pulling his lover into a sitting position at the same time. Laying flat with his back on Jim's outstretched legs, Blair panted. But the moment he'd caught his breath, he lifted his legs and wrapped them around his larger lover's waist. 

Feeling himself slip even more deeply into his lover's depths, Jim cried out, "Blair! God, Blair! So good, baby. So good!" Where had Blair learned this? Had he seen it in one of those skin-flicks they'd talked about earlier? It was amazing, sexy beyond all images of sensual behavior Jim had ever envisioned. 

With his legs around the Sentinel's waist, Blair was able to tighten them rhythmically, moving Jim's cock in and out of himself at his own leisure. Jim moaned, picturing various murder scenes, but the usually effective tactic wasn't working. Jim could focus on nothing but what Blair was doing with him--to him. Just as the older man was about to throw in the towel and let himself come inside his lover, Blair suddenly unwrapped his legs from about Jim's middle and brought them up to his chest. 

From this moment to his dying day, Jim would get hard just thinking about what Blair did next. In a wholly unexpected move, Blair planted his feet on Jim's chest and shoved--hard. In the space of a single second, Jim fell from a sitting position to flat on his back, causing his cock to thrust upward violently--up inside Blair--driving with brutal force into his prostate. 

Blair shrieked. 

Coming suddenly, Blair scattered his seed over them both. And in the midst of his orgasm, Blair's muscles contracted so powerfully, Jim was drawn even more deeply into his body and squeezed in a vise-like grip. The intensity of the pressure drew an orgasm from his body so quickly, he nearly went into shock. Jim came with such unexpected force, he shouted himself hoarse. 

Jim would never remember the things he shouted at that moment, but Blair would never forget them. They were the last words he heard before he passed out and his mind clung to them even as he lost his fight to remain conscious. 

"Never leave me! Die without you! Die for you! Love you! Love you, Blair! Only you! Love you forever!" 

Jim shook and shuddered; shivering as if he'd just climbed from the chilly lake into the cool night air. His teeth chattered uncontrollably as heavy, gray clouds descended upon him, thrusting his mind into a hail-storm of pleasure. Jim very nearly passed out; only his need to be certain of Blair's safety keeping him conscious. 

Despite his concern for his lover, long moments passed before Jim again became fully aware. At first, he could only blink groggily, finding it unusually difficult to focus his eyes. Sentinel sight saved the day, when he'd recovered enough to turn up his sensory dials, but it took several minutes for Jim to find the strength to raise his head. 

Sweet Jesus, Jim thought, Blair really _is_ going to have me stroking-out before I'm forty. 

Dizzily, Jim struggled to a sitting position and took stock of the situation. Focusing on Blair, Jim regarded his partner with more amazement than worry, for his senses told him the man was alive and well. His heart beat steadily, his respiration was regular. He was, however, currently unconscious. 

Jim, himself, had never come so close to passing out while making love and this fact, combined with his lover's unexpected moves in the midst of their passion, left him dumbfounded. Blair was so new to all of this, the man shouldn't even _have_ "moves" let alone be able to cause a man of Jim's years and experience to come within a hair's breadth of fainting. 

Shaking the residual muzziness from his head, Jim gently disengaged their bodies. Glad to find no blood or other sign of injury, Jim let out a breath of relief and pulled his limp lover protectively into his arms as he surveyed their altered surroundings. They had not only made a considerable mess, but had somehow managed to turn their once smooth and flattened sleeping bags into a sticky heap of lumps and bunches. Setting his lover temporarily out of the way, Jim turned the bags over and smoothed them out before retrieving his young love. 

Laying Blair atop the clean side of the sleeping bags, Jim arranged his limbs carefully and smoothed back some errant locks that had fallen in his face. Jim paused, then as carefully as he'd situated Blair's limbs, he arranged the younger man's hair, carding his fingers through the curly mane until it was more or less untangled and spread out behind him. 

Jim was loathe to leave his lover, but he didn't want Blair waking up to find himself in this condition. They were both, if it were possible, in an even sorrier state than the bags had been. So exiting the tent, Jim quickly retrieved a damp towel from the clothesline and re-entered with haste. As he finished cleaning up his partner, Blair opened bright eyes and regarded him with pleased placidity. Realizing he was under scrutiny, Jim pulled back, towel in hand, and smiled at his quiet Guide. 

Blair reached up with one hand and touched Jim's face with just the tips of his fingers as he said, "Now we belong to each other." 

Jim's heart clenched and swallowing, he changed the subject with difficulty. "How do you feel, lover?" 

"Like I have a second chance at life." 

Jim whispered, "Me too," and taking hold of his Guide's hand, he ran a thumb over the knuckles until Blair's eyes closed and he started to drift off. Still holding hands, Jim watched over his partner while outside, the moon wound its way leisurely across the blue-black sky. 

Lost in thought, Jim stood sentry as his lover slept. It seemednecessary to watch over his Guide; to safeguard him while he was too exhausted to be aware of his surroundings. Running the back of his knuckles lightly over his lover's cheek, Jim listening to Blair sigh contentedly in his sleep, before training his senses on the forest beyond. Quietly, Jim monitored, making sure all was secure; determined that nothing should threaten his Guide while he was in this vulnerable state. Jim felt an oddly familiar protective pleasure in taking up this task; a swelling of pride at the knowledge that he was trusted implicitly by his lover-- _entrusted_ by the same shared destiny that had delivered Blair into his keeping--and Jim reveled in the responsibility. 

While standing guard over slumbering Guide, Jim used the quiet time to consider the past, to assess the present and to dream of the future. As a soldier Jim had learned not to trust the future--almost to fear it. But he found, suddenly, that contemplating the future summoned none of the usual accompanying apprehension. It was no longer an ominous unknown vista, but a land of possibility and hope. Blair really had saved him, Jim mused, and he felt such a rush of joy he had to fight back tears. 

Gone was the need to wall off his heart; to protect himself by holding back emotionally. The lesson he had learned from his father, who had refused to acknowledge his wife's desertion, had lost its power. Holding those he loved at a distance had not kept Jim from being hurt. It had kept him, instead, in isolation; lost in lonely, self-imposed solitude. But that was over, now, for when Blair made love to him with his whole heart, he'd imparted the gift of understanding. Now that Jim understood his fears, they had no hold upon him. Blair had taken his cracked and battered heart and made it whole. 

Petting the head of his lover absently, Jim wished that this, their last night together in this magical place--the place where Jim Ellison had finally learned to love--would never end. So much had changed and so quickly. The weekend had passed in a blur. Settling back as the shadows grew, the Sentinel had nearly fallen asleep himself when his Guide awakened briefly and drew him back with soft words. 

"You know, starting tomorrow, things are gonna be a lot different than they used to be." 

Adjusting his vision to cut through the darkness around them, Jim looked down into bright shining eyes. "I know." 

"Our old lives, it's like they're gone." 

"But we have new ones to replace them," Jim answered reassuringly. "And we won't be facing the future separately, or even just as friends. Now that we belong to each other in here," Jim placed a hand over Blair's heart, "when we head into the future, we go through the door together." 

Blair was quiet for a moment, seemingly giving serious consideration to his lover's words. Then he called softly into the darkness, "Jim?" 

"Yeah, baby?" 

"Is this what forever feels like?" 

The Sentinel rumbled soft laughter. "I guess it is. You okay with that?" 

Softly, "I'ma little scared." 

"Yeah, me too." 

And they held each other tightly until dawn broke, bringing the promise of a new day. As they lay quietly in each other's arms, they let their fear wash over them and did not run from it. They were frightened, but why not? Forever is, after all, a very, very long time. 

  

_The End_


End file.
